Competition Trick Eating

Breakfast buffets are awesome. There are mounds of sausages, bacon and scrambled eggs waiting to be piled high onto a plate. There is all you can eat and drink a literal cornucopia of breakfast goodness. I recently went to a morning buffet and after paying went immediately to the custom omelet line. Standing there I watched as the egg chef hurriedly folded each omelet before passing it to the next waiting customer. I casually turned to make small talk with the gentleman behind me when I noticed he was so large he could barely breathe. He coughed and snored as he stood there sweating profusely while holding on to the very thing that was killing him…his plate. Upon seeing this I stepped out of line. I know I must have seemed crazy but I put my plate down and looked around the restaurant. The dining room honestly looked like a pasture full of grazing animals. The only small people I saw were the waitresses, waiters filling empty glasses and cleaning the bar. The rest of the small people were walking outside of the restaurant. I grabbed one high fiber muffin, drank two cups of coffee with Splenda and paid my bill. I actually smiled as I walked out of there.

Buffets have to be the epitome of food waste and oral hedonism where chair after chair of super morbidly obese people sit and consume massive calories until they wobble away. There is nothing wrong with having a variety of foods to choose from but something has to be said or done about competition trick eating. Buffets should actually come with a health warning on the door that reads,

"Caution the contents of this establishment will cause obesity; diabetes; hypertension and heart failure consume at your own risk!"

I believe we as a people are so quick to throw up a red flag for such things as: smoking, drinking, illicit drug usage, promiscuous sexual behavior and sex toys. We forget that consuming mass quantities (sorry Coneheads) causes just as much damage to the body as a gunshot wound. Yet as still, there are buffets all over the place creating one stroke victim at a time.

I know my beloved South is full of delicious foods that have fed families for generations. Our older generations talk of drawing water from wells, feeding hogs, chopping wood, walking to school and church, as well as filling barns with hay. They practically did not have enough time to sit still to gain weight. They were active people who associated being overweight with being lazy and greedy. They had to have a large meal in order to survive. But when you put these items on a hot bar with a sneeze guard and then ring the slop bell, things quickly get out of hand. Remove the heavy labor and you are left with double chins, diabetes, and dimply butt cheeks. And people so big they snore when they are awake.

~VALE~

Sex Toys and Elvis

Sex toys are banned in Alabama. I read this article about a sex toy ban and thought of the movement to ban Elvis and Rock-N-Roll. There was a movement across the south to ban Elvis’s music because of his sound, his look, and his obscene gyrations. There were political essays, sermons and newspaper articles about his music. Elvis was going to corrupt the youth of the south and cause the morality infrastructure to collapse. Citizen councils took up arms to protect the fragile minds and even more fragile souls of decent southern youths everywhere. Well you know the rest of the story. Elvis went on to be a mega star that died on a toilet. But the aim to apply morality where the application isn’t needed has succeeded.

I cannot think of a time where I read or heard of a person being assaulted with a 12 inch dildo. Imagine this; a dastardly criminal folds himself into a dark corner and BAM! He sex toys his victim! OH the horror, OH the humanity! What has befallen the poor victim? Whatever should they do? The police arrive and ask “what color was the vibrating egg o’ doom and could you pick it out of a line up?” Suddenly there are midnight vigils with candles, soft hymns and prayers that the sex toy abuse would stop so we may all live in peace. This ban by far has to be the most idiotic thing I have ever heard of, when there are other things the Attorney Generals Office could have fought to stop. I want my tax dollars back! I want my tax dollars back NOW!

Go into any convenience store in Alabama and look on the counter in front of the cashier. You should see one of three items: jet-flame styled lighters, flavored cigars and roses in glass tubes. To the untrained eye they are mundane quick stop clutter. But to a professional eye they are: crack or meth lighters, marijuana “blunt” makers and crack pipes. Because these items blend so well into the store they go unnoticed. These items should be banned from Alabama. Now if the Attorney Generals Office wanted a crusade they should have picked drug paraphernalia. I would’ve totally agreed with that move. Because drug addicts often rob, steal and kill.

Sex toys are private items that should be readily available to Alabama residents that have reached the age of majority. I have been in an Adult store and there is no greased pole directly to Hades in there. Trust me. There are men and women shopping who giggle and blush like teenagers. They are responsible, loving adults. Not the seedy, salivating, sex fiends they are portrayed to be. They do not wear trench coats (at least not in the store) and large fedoras. They have jobs, attend church and a majority of them have no criminal record. According to the State of Alabama they aren’t responsible enough to enjoy whatever it is they enjoy behind closed doors. So I guess it is back to the “special” parties. Where wives and girlfriends gathered and “looked” at certain items. But wait, even that is illegal. The sale of a sex toy in Alabama after all is said and done, will garner a prison sentence. So along with sending Georgia’s children to college with Alabama citizens buying Georgia lottery tickets, we can also spend money in Georgia adult stores.

~VALE~

What's In A Name?

Somewhere in a freakish orbit travels an asteroid named Apophis. We are supposed to be able to see it by 2029 and in 2036 we might get a chance to meet Apophis up close and personal. Because this 1000 foot wide metal object may or may not slam into our precious blue planet. But as usual, Astronomers around the world are a little iffy on if impact will even occur. That is provided that the giant space rock does or doesn’t do gravitational wiggle, a sort of cosmic head fake. You can read the article yourself here. But my question is…who names these things?

I am sure Pretty Princess Power Rock would not be the most appropriate name for something that could destroy a city, or create a tsunami that could destroy a city. But then again, Bob is not an appropriate name either. I would like to meet the guy or gal who named this asteroid as ask, “Were the rest of the names taken?” What would be the harm in naming the metal rock BOOM, or how about Power Shot? Apophis, the evil black snake of Egyptian antiquity, a demon, the true personification of darkness and chaos is a little over the top. Geesh, someone has a flair for the melodramatic.

Speaking of names, here is a list of the 2007 Atlantic Hurricane Names. Now here is a list that should have a strong psychological impact. I believe the name of the hurricane should change according to the intensity and its ability to do damage. Take for example if there ever is a Hurricane Barry (heaven forbid) and it becomes a Category 5 (also heaven forbid) then the name should change to Hurricane BONE STRIPPER. Can’t you just see it now the Weather Channel reporting that Bone Stripper is taking a turn to the right? I feel this name would put the fear of Jesus in those who don’t want to evacuate. But if Barry barely makes it to Category 1 then the name should be changed to Hurricane Cutie Pie. (Don’t worry the power will be on in a couple of hours.) I know you may be laughing at this blog entry but I just happen to believe in having the appropriate name. Just like a 6’6” cage fighter, who has arms like steel cables and built like a tank. Only his name is Sue Ann. He isn’t funny but his name sure is.


~VALE~

SHUN THE UNBELIEVER, SHUUUUUUUUUUN!

This is so funny I can't stop laughing!!


~VALE~

AIDS Vaccine

HIV itself is not lethal. The opportunistic infections from the lack of an autoimmune system are what kill. It is like fighting a fire in the nude. If you have ever seen someone die from AIDS you know that it is a long, miserable, painful illness that ends with severe dementia then death. In my opinion this is the most terrible way to die. Dying at the hands of AIDS is so graphic that if they just showed a little of the process on television. There would be a lot less infections. As a Paramedic I have come into contact with my fair share of HIV positive patients and believe me they are everywhere. But what interests me is the fact that Merck & Co is doing trials with a possible AIDS vaccine on Dominican Republic prostitutes as well as 3,000 other people in eight different countries.

Being a health care provider I know that HIV exists in many, many different versions. It is not just one virus. It is a collage of mutated viruses that have different strains all over the world. This is why the disease itself is so hard to combat. In my opinion it would be easier to eradicate coca plants than it would to kill off HIV. This is what makes this vaccine trial so interesting. If this trial succeeds I would love to be a shareholder in the company that is making the vaccine. But if it flops and turns those brave harlots into itchy zombies I guess its back to the drawing board.

~Vale~

Enough Already

The American media has failed me. There are life changing events happening around the world right now. These events will surely be in the history books later. Some of them are: Iran is funding and supplying Iraqi insurgents(just like we helped Saddam during the Iran/Iraq war), Kim Jong-il has decided to play nice and is sealing his nuclear reactor in lieu of a million tons of fuel oil, our congress is giving our Commander-in-Chief pure unadulterated hell about his new ambitions of possibly attacking Iran and troop surges, there are snowstorms of biblical proportions in upstate New York, recent discoveries of massive fresh water lakes underneath the Artic ice that if melted it would raise sea levels by 23 feet and the debate over oil, oil and more oil. But do you know what is getting the most press? Try Anna Nicole Smith, and honestly I have had enough.

I don’t understand the chaos surrounding her death. I won’t try to understand the chaos either. On February 9^th I found my self staring at the news in shock that her death caused a media speed bump. At that moment I realized I would limit my viewing of CNN, MSNBC, and FOX opting for BBC News, Link Television and National Public Radio. There is something to be said about multi-billion dollar news organizations giving, “Breaking News” reports about an ex-stripper turned model who dies in a Hard Rock Hotel and THEN shows not one but THREE potential fathers to her daughter. The entire world has to be laughing at us right now.

There will come a day in the future (far in the future I hope) where one of my grandchildren will open his or her history book and point to a topic with a question. At that very moment I pray I will have an intelligent answer. I pray that at that moment my memory isn’t racked with holes left by Alzheimer’s and I start spouting some facts about a buxom blonde and her “Baby daddies,” and that ranting will get me thrust into some evil nursing home. I don’t want to live out my days with my brain filled with useless facts about plastic people who have contributed absolutely nothing to society. I don’t want my precious time on earth filled with moments about Brittany Spears missing underwear, Grammy winners whose acceptance speeches last forever or the new “Lost” episode. I have had enough already.

~VALE~

Global Warming

I am a dyed in the wool thinker. Sometimes when no one is watching I mimic Rodin’s famous bronze statue, my hand pushed under my hairy chin, knee propped high, brow furrowed and naked as a blue-jay. I sit and ponder about the things thinkers ponder about, but in jest I digress. I feel like I am a poor bit player in a cheap apocalyptic movie, there is constant banter from scientist that global warming is real, and the angry voices of descent from earth polluting energy companies with poor lil ole me stuck in the middle. I know how this movie ends, I have seen it before.

The earth will not be destroyed by global warming, but our ability to survive and then prosper on the planet will be. Climatologist, meteorologist, and geologist all over the world have all come to one centralized conclusion…global warming is a now event, not a future event, and that we are experiencing rapid climate change. (A meteorite might have killed a vast majority of the dinosaurs, but the rapid climate change afterwards delivered the one, two knock out.) Now what do we do with this information? Do we wait until there are 36 Katrina sized storms flooding as far inland as Birmingham, Alabama, do we wait until there is six feet of snow covering the beaches of Panama City, Florida or do we wait until an intergalactic rescue armada shows up to evacuate us from our own mess? (I honestly don’t know if I would get in a spaceship I think I would take my chances with the new beach in Ozark, Alabama.) But assuredly it appears we are waiting on Deus ex machina, when the answer is clear.

When we were attacked on September 11^th our government grounded all planes. The attack prompted an action, and if you think about it we are under attack by gas guzzling SUV’s, coal burning power plants, and cow burps as well as anything else that is causing our planet to dump eight feet of snow on upstate New York . Does global warming warrant drastic measures? I would think so. If cities the size of Houston and Los Angeles outlawed cars opting instead for mass transit and electric powered vehicles? Those cities would become almost smog free over night. Most assuredly people would adjust after much cussing and fussing.( as well as lose weight) But they will adjust. After that problem is solved we could get down to business on the ever present threat of wayward meteoroids and malignant sun spots.

Vale

The Not News

Whatever happened to reporting that was factual and straight forward. In my opinion no one reports the facts fully anymore. There are always inadequacies, misdirection, prestidigitation of print; reporters omit the substance inside of truth leaving us with just a frame, to fill with our own opinions. I hate it.

Did you know 500, 000 people showed up in Washington D.C for a war protest. I did. But I didn’t know the magnitude of the protest until today. The one protest clip they showed on the Fox New Channel, when the march occurred, included a stage full of grandmothers protesting by singing a ditty and a few people holding creative signs. There was no mention of the size of the crowd or who even sponsored it. In a flash the story was over and done with. Later that evening Fox rehashed the same clip. Frankly, there was more coverage of “The Day without Latinos” that took place in March of 06’, than the peace rally. I thought of it no more until today and honestly I became upset.

Speaking out against our government is a right guaranteed to all Americans by the First Amendment. This ability to be heard without the consequence of disappearing into a secret prison, tortured and then executed is our right. We have the ability to vote with impunity without being threatened at the polls. But while most American news channels acknowledge our right to protest, they choose to show teenage girls beating the tar out of each another, the latest restaurant to switch to trans-fat free cooking oil and the 12 Democratic Senators who are running for President in 08’ (The next President will be a Democrat, provided all twelve don’t get caught on film taking bribes.) instead. It would amaze me to know that the people who live in a traditionally red state are incensed about this war. Hopefully they are scraping off those pretentious black and white “W’s” and wondering which Democrat they are going to vote for. That is the kind of reporting I want to see.

I want to see news that makes me ponder a thought not change the channel. Some of the stuff they report on makes me want to listen to static all day. Report on global warming not Anna Nicole Smith and her drug induced interview. Show bio-diesel and alternative energy concepts not which movie star grossed the most money in 2006. I’m sorry I didn’t make the millions so I DON’T CARE. Give me an expose’ on illegal immigrants who work for major home builders not Paula Abdul and her freakish antics. Then I will watch until my eyeballs fall out, but until then I will furrow my brow in anger and grit my teeth in disgust.

~Vale~

Oh Babylon

I know what you are saying gentle reader, my title is too eccentric, too biblical, but somehow I think this title works. President Bush has authorized our military to kill---yes kill Iranians plotting against Iraq, and now he has taken the dictatorial stance that he makes the decisions on U.S. troop levels. What in the sweet land of liberty is this really about? Let’s review, we went to Iraq to intercede and destroy all weapons of mass destruction. We made it to Iraq but haven’t found one WMD, 3031 U.S. troops have been killed during this operation, the Republicans got their butts stomped because of their faux pas and the U.S has become the laughing stock of the entire world. I don’t like it one bit.

The question is how do you really tell an Iranian bomb-maker as opposed to a Sunni mill worker or a Shiite baker? That would be like trying to tell the difference between someone who resides in Shelby County, Alabama versus someone who lives in Shelby County, Iowa. Of course the accents would be different, and I know we Alabamians would pick up on it in a heart beat. But let’s say the person who was doing the deciphering was from New Deli, India. This is truly what we are facing with this proposal to kill Iranian experts.

On a diplomatic approach to the problem that is Iraq we should understand Iran has a vested interest. Like our vested interest in the U.S/ Mexico border. These two have been neighbors for a long time with strong cultural ties. If we have not learned anything since “Operation Iraqi Freedom” began, we should have learned this; we are not loved in Iraq. IED’s go off daily and these dastardly things are remote operated, so that means Iraqi citizens drive pass them with impunity. Those citizens don’t have to worry about the roadside bombs, because there’re friends and neighbors of the bomb planters. Abu Ghraib styled prisons have ruined our reputation and it’s a solidifying battle cry for all those who want to kill our troops, now add the benefit of haphazardly identifying Iranian “experts” and then the Hezbollah gets directly involved, instead of just showing how to build bombs. Bush in my opinion is pushing the envelope. He has to know that the U.S is “militarily impotent” as one of my other favorite bloggers put it.

The United States used to have the reputation as peace brokers, food aid suppliers, the first to help in disasters, the country you least wanted to piss off next to Russia, the most developed and civilized of nations, the most honorable of nations and a nuclear superpower…with passive aggressive tendencies. But somewhere between September 11^th and the day we invaded Iraq, something went awry. Sensibilities were lost to paranoia, paranoia led to secret prisons, warrant-less wire-taps, no fly list, gas prices through the roof, terror alerts for gas odors, three ounces of liquids as a carry on, and a President who believes that 21,500 troops will put down the violence in a place known through out history for the evilest of cities named Babylon. I will be glad when 2008 gets here.

~Vale~

Super Kids

I am a true child of the seventies and eighties. I enjoyed television shows like, HR Puff N’ Stuff, Name That Tune, Tarzan, American Bandstand, Hee Haw (and the corny corn field jokes) , Bear Bryant’s Golden Flake and Coca Cola T.V. show (even though I turned out to be an Auburn Fan),and the Dukes of Hazzard. I grew up playing outside with my Evel Knievel motorcycles (repeatedly crashing it into any object, just like he did), water rockets, Frisbees, footballs and bugs, lot and lots of bugs. My favorite games were Sorry, Monopoly, Chutes and Ladders and one well worn Rubik’s Cube. Then when electronic games hit the market I was the proud owner of a Simon, a Merlin, and a Classic Electronic Football Game, not to mention countless quarters fed into PacMan, Galaga and Asteroid machines in an Arcade. And it was only until Sunday, when I watched my 4 year old son navigate through a Playstation 2’s Socom 3, did I realize that I was as old as my children say I am.

My son’s tiny fingers manipulated the buttons flawlessly as he found each one of his digital targets then summarily fired his weapon. I cringed. His little eyes were locked on the television in a concentration I could not explain. I became unnerved and kindly took the controller from him, and turned off the game. I then gave him a blank piece of paper and a pencil, so he could practice writing his name. After about two minutes my young son asked, “Daddy, can I use the computer to write my name, it’s faster?” However his oldest sister was updating her Myspace page, as his big brother changed his play list on his MP3 player. I told him, “Your sister is using it right now.” His response, “well how about your laptop?” Needless to say I stood in awe as this 3 foot tall child looked at his pencil with disgust then sat down quietly.

Somewhere between writing, working and trying to stay fit, my old folk switch has been activated. I listened to some of the music my teenagers were listening to, and wondered who actually listens to this mess. The answer was… they do. They love MTV, and I can not bear to watch that channel because they don’t play music anymore; MTV has evolved into shows about prima donna 16 year olds and 20 year old pseudo-rockers who are professional drug users. (That previous sentence made me feel even older). I feel as though I am loosing touch with my children. I try to stay in style, but not the cool dad, because cool dads can do more harm than good. Kids have become hyper-savvy to the ways of the world, especially my kids. To them there is more to think about than going outside to play. They have to worry about way more than scraping their knees or busting their lips. To them outside means the West Nile Virus, Amber Alerts and a Terror Alert stuck on yellow, not fun and exploration. With that I will sit and watch them grow up as I hold on to my Allman Brothers music and diet Coke filled with peanuts and try not to rust away.

~Vale~

Occam's Razor

Watching the sectarian conflict escalate in Iraq, has brought me to the understanding that President Bush is over compensating for the most simplest of answers to the question which is Iraqi Freedom. 21,500 soldiers in my opinion will not reduce or even slow the sectarian violence in a country roughly the size of Idaho, but will provide more targets for the insurgents. President Jalal Talabani knows America will not stay long enough to clean up the mess it has created, and he will be forced to create political relationships that are unsavory, but necessary for Iraq to have any future. He understands Occam’s Razor. The expression on President Talabani face says it all; on camera Talabani appears tired and unshaven his movements almost mechanical…he is out of options. He knows his country is falling apart. He knows the killings will get even worse before any slowdown is possible. After all there is a power struggle all the way to the top and they will try to kill him when they get there.

A report released by the UN that aired on NBC Nightly News that an average of 100 Iraqi civilians died each day during 2006. Meanwhile our beloved country is loosing on average 100 service members monthly, not to mention the grossly wounded causalities. What really would be the harm in withdrawing from Iraq? Would it be more sectarian violence, more terrorist involvement in Iraq’s daily activities? Would the Iranians march across the border to commandeer the country? Do the Iranians really want the headache? What really are we waiting for? What should we really be concerned about? Personally I believe we should not waste on more American life because of a Bush’s belief in ambiguity. A hail Mary of sorts, as if our ball is in the 30 yard line and one more play will put our team on the board when we are 40 points behind. No sir. Bring our kids home.

~Vale~

Boutique Medicine

Once I worked with a millionaire who called his doctor whenever he had a medical question. After becoming annoyed at this I asked him one day, “Your doctor doesn’t get angry when you call him?” He replied casually, “He is not talking to me he is talking to my money.” I struck upon an epiphany with his response, the only good health insurance to have is cold…hard…cash. Imagine having the ability to call your doctor anytime you want, as well as see him or her at your convenience. My local television station WSFA Channel 12 News did a segment about just that, called “Boutique medicine.” A Montgomery doctor by the name of Johnnie Strickland had decided to reduce the number of patients he saw from five thousand to five hundred. Those remaining 500 patients paid 89 dollars monthly for unfettered access to his services. I did the math, 500 patients equates out to 534,000 yearly. Dr. Strickland has not stumbled upon a new idea, but he has the right idea. In my opinion Dr. Strickland is probably fed up with Blue Cross Blue Shield, Medicare and Medicaid and decided to take a stand. There is no “Competition trick billing” for routine services and he is definitely not loosing money. This is the way insurance should be. Once it catches on Boutique healthcare in my opinion will usurp regular healthcare insurance and hopefully change the way things are done in America.

~Vale~

87,97,07...

Can you remember the Oscar winners for best actor in 1987? How about a television show that took the most Emmys in 1997? Can you remember the price of gas in 1988 for unleaded self-serve? Can you even remember where you were today twenty years ago today? Now the preceding question I can actually answer. The day was a Wednesday and it was a cold Alabama day (before global warming and El Nino). I had already signed up for the U.S. Navy and was eager to see the world at Uncle Sam’s expense. I was a bored high school senior sitting in my first period class wishing that the year would fly by so I could graduate and head to sunny California for boot camp.

In May of 1987, a man named Saddam Hussein would accidentally kill 37 of our U.S. sailors on the USS Stark by missile attack. In 1990 I would be deployed to Saudi Arabia with the 2^nd Marines as a combat medic assisting in kicking Saddam’s army out of Kuwait by February of 1991. Combat and the memory of burning oil fields would change my life forever.

Ten years later in 1997 I was a husband, a father, a homeowner, and a taxpayer. One fateful day in 97’ I looked back over the last ten years and felt like I had done absolutely nothing with my life, or so it had seemed. What I know now, that I didn’t know then, was that I was not thankful. I wasn’t a movie star, or a doctor or an epidemiologist or an Army Captain. I didn’t belong to Kappa Alpha and I wasn’t a Shriner. I was just a tired husband and father who paid bills and tried to raise a family. Later in life I would learn there is beauty in mediocrity and consistency in being average.

On 30th August of 97’ Princess Dianna lost her life at the hands of a drunk driver, five days on September 5^th Mother Teresa a Nobel Prize winner and the head of Missionaries of Charity died of natural causes (people lined up to kiss her feet at her funeral). Guess which one got the most press. As a Paramedic I had seen plenty of people killed in drunk driving accidents and didn’t understand why they praised a woman on a date but not a future Saint.

2007 hasn’t unfolded but I feel it will be different. I understand what my parents meant when they said, “One day you will wake up old” they did not lie. I have learned the lessons of the last twenty years of pain and achievements and I am finally thankful. I have learned, there is no reward without risk, money cannot buy everything, nobody remembers celebrity’s achievements, learning how to fall down is just as important as getting back up, and when it is your time to go there is no hospital on the planet that can stop you. Just imagine what I will know twenty years from now.

~Vale~

I Wonder Who...

Said that relationships are easy? There is such a thing as being incompatible and I wonder why some couples don’t get it? As a writer I consider myself an excellent listener because stories are found in conversation with other people. It is when I am listening to someone complaining about their relationship I throw out the proverbial question, “Didn’t ask enough questions in the courtship huh?” That one question has caused a few raised eyebrows in several conversations I have had with forlorn lovers. They always seem to be totally oblivious to asking enough questions during the “interview stage”. So I created…

Alex’s Pre-Relationship Checklist

These questions should be asked up front.

10. Are you married? ASK THIS FIRST and if they say no follow them home to make sure. You really don’t want an angry spouse tracking you down…do you?

9. Are you bitter? Oh boy! Bitter people (more often than not those who are divorced) take their anger out on the most genuine and innocent of potential mates. Thus creating another bitter person, this cycle never ends believe me.

8. Are you needy? If you are not a nurturer then needy people are not for you. It is as simple as that.

7. Are you insane? Crazy people sometimes sneak into sane relationships thus causing a relatively sane person to need Zoloft, Prozac and Jim Beam.

6. Are you Jealous? This question is more serious than a police roadblock. Jealous people do not trust you and will kill you. Don’t believe me? Pick up a newspaper and look in the crime section.

5. Are you compulsive? Or in other words, “Are you a stalker?” Yes this question is extremely relevant. What if you had OJ for a mate? Refer to line two of question number 6.

4. Do you have warrants for your arrest? Imagine sitting in an Applebee’s eating blooming onions and sipping on sweet tea, then suddenly you are thrown to the floor along with your date and handcuffed. It is called guilt by association…look it up.

3. Can you provide? This is a uni-sexed question. This can mean, “Can you cook?” or “Can you support a potential family?” This question is often missed and becomes a real problem in the, “Headed to the altar” phase of a relationship. IF your mate can’t hold a job with a bucket, or if they have a tendency to burn ice cubes, then some real arrangements need to be made in the beginning.

2. Do you like children? If you have children make this question number one.

Sometimes people are attached with children and this understanding needs to be established in the pre-relationship checklist. IF neither one of you have children still ask the question because birth control sometimes fails.

1. Are you good in bed? I know this question sounds shallow and it really is, however it is a supreme deal killer. A relationship is as much physical as it is emotional. I couldn’t tell you how many times the phrase; “They are such a wonderful, loving person with admirable qualities…” has been uttered, by people who are severely missing something in the bedroom.

Just look at this list, if you are laughing then you can probably relate. If you are not laughing you are either lonely, or crazy. I think this list might just help that dejected boyfriend or girlfriend avoid another relationship failure.

~VALE~

Book Review: The War of Art

The War of Art is a dynamic book penned by famed author Stephen Pressfield who happens to be the author of “The Legend of Bagger Vance” and “Gates of Fire”. The War of Art caught my eye simply because of the title. Having a copy of Sun Tzu’s Art of War in my personal library I was more than interested. After reading a couple of pages (as well as being a self confirmed bibliophile) I purchased the book.

First off there are no chapters. The War of Art is broken into three books and under each book are several essays pertaining to the theme of that book. The first book entitled “Resistance Defining an Enemy” personifies, demystifies and deconstructs an enemy of achievement called “Resistance”. Pressfield flawlessly peels away the layers of Resistance and shows up the one thing in everyday life that prevents us from reaching our personal goals. He shows that doubt, fear, anxiety, remorse and procrastination are forms of “Resistance” Believe me I had to read further.

Titles like “Resistance and Fundamentalism” and “Resistance and Criticism” will have me delving deeper between the pages. My personal favorite is on page 68 entitled, “How to be Miserable”.

The second book is entitled “Combating Resistance” Pressfield teaches us ways of counteracting Resistance by defining “Professionals and Amateurs”. Then by the way of his own personal discoveries and downfall he pulls you along until you understand the techniques it takes to be consistent and successful.

The third book is entitled “Going Beyond Higher Realm” uses Homer’s opening to the Odyssey for professional writers and other artisans alike to reach to a higher plane of professionalism.

O Devine Poesy, goddess, daughter of Zeus, sustain for me

this song of the various-minded man who, after he had

plundered the innermost citadel of hallowed Troy, was made

to stray grievously about the coast of men, the sport of their

customs, good and bad, while his heart, through all the sea-

faring, ached with an agony to redeem himself and bring his

company safe home. Vain hope---for them. The fools! Their own

witlessness cast them aside. To destroy for meat the oxen of the

most exalted Sun, wherefore the Sun-god blotted out the day of

their return. Make this tale live for us in all its many bearings,

O Muse…

I cannot go any deeper into the book, but I can tell you it is a fantastic read. If you get a chance to buy it and believe me you won’t be disappointed.

~Vale~

Top Ten List Or...

10. www.folkstreams.net

What it says: “A National Preserve of Documentary Films about American Roots Cultures
streamed with essays about the traditions and film making. The site includes transcriptions, study and teaching guides, suggested readings, and links to related websites.”

What I found: It is a look back at the past. You can get lost in the different videos.

9. www.npr.org

What it says: “NPR (National Public Radio) is an internationally acclaimed producer and distributor of noncommercial news, talk, and entertainment programming.”

What I found: Faces behind the voices of “Morning Edition” and “All Things Considered” my favorite talk shows. Full of NPR information and extra NPR information if you are a NPR fan.

8. www.pandora.com

What it says: “…a radio Internet service that wants a conversation with you.”

What I found: A free radio Internet radio that you will love for sure.

7. www.entrepreneurs-journey.com

What is says: “…by the numbers it means that 80 percent of your outcomes come from 20 percent of your inputs.”

What I found: Work until you find out what it is you like to do. This site is Quite interesting if you are a writer or a burgeoning entrepreneur.

6. 100-downloads.com

What it says: “Top-100 essential downloads of free software & freeware for Windows XP.”

What I found: Free shareware programs for XP. Especially FREE virus scanners. WARNING: Do not download programs you do not know how to use! I found out the hard way.

5. www.illwillpress.com

What it says: “HAIL FOAMY!”

What I found: A neurotic potty mouth squirrel rants about everything. This site is funny as heck. The squirrel really does have a potty mouth watch his toons at your own peril!

4. www.stumbleupon.com

What it says: “Channel surf the Internet with StumbleUpon! Discover great websites,
videos, pictures and more — all according to your interests.”

What I found: Stumble will keep you rooted to your computer chair until you have butt cramps. It is an Internet roulette wheel taking you to random websites according to the interest you pick. However it is best to have the FireFox browser first before you install this program.

3.www.stevepavlina.com

What it says: “Make money from your blog.”

What I found: Long read but very, very informative.

2. www.futilitycloset.com

What it says: “No matter how much you love your job, you can't work for 10 hours straight. That’s why there's Futility Closet — 2,000 anecdotes, epigrams, illusions, and wonders; puzzles, prodigies, sublimities and horrors. Read a few and get back to work. We'll keep finding more.”

What I found: It is a literal merry-go-round of oddities that will “un-bore” you if there could ever be such a word.

1.www.mozilla.com/en-US/firefox/

What it says: “The award-winning Web browser is now faster, more secure, and fully customizable to your online life. With FireFox 2, we’ve added powerful new features that make your online experience even better.”

What I found: This is a highly customizable web browser that you can add themes to, and all sorts of unique extensions. FireFox comes with pop-up blocker and will TELL you if you are running an illegal script or about to download content from an unknown host. Download this browser today.

This was just a small list of sites I frequented daily during 2006.

Have a Happy New Year and be safe!!!!

~VALE~

Saddam Saturday

I was listening to CNN this morning while dressing for work. Between sips of coffee and packing my bags I listened to a guest who was commenting that Saddam should only be executed by a stable Iraqi government, who has put down the insurgency and rebuilt the infrastructure of Iraq. Because, in his opinion, anything less would have tragic consequences. Now just a few minutes ago there was a breaking news alert on Yahoo that stated Saddam will be executed on Saturday December 30^th 2006. Somehow in all our democratic glory and daily filial sacrifices to the God of all things stupid we still are not getting the “memo”.

As we all know (the ones that are not in denial that is ) the present Iraqi government does not run Iraq. The insurgency runs Iraq. There has to be something said about making an evil despot a martyr. Haven’t we realized that the Ba'thists and Saddam loyalist are not gone, and that the Shiite and Sunni will fight even harder to rid of one another? Tip-toeing across Iraqi borders will be nefarious power brokers who will try to side with any insurgency leader or Imam that might potentially gain power. Let us not forget we were friends of Saddam in the war against Iran. So yes it is quite possible. Did we guess who will be directly in the middle of this mess? I am not a harbinger of doom…but geesh where did our common sense go? I am not in anyway saying Saddam should not be executed, after all, I along with another 150,000 service members kicked him out of Kuwait in 1991. It was there I saw Saddam’s atrocities first hand, and yes he is ruthless as they say he is. But we should at least let him live until this mess called “Iraqi Freedom” is resolved then it can be death by rusty bull-dozier. I don't care.

~VALE~

Sincere Apology

Updating a blog is hard work. Missing a day is just like cheating on a diet. One day turns into twelve days and soon your belly has consumed your waist line. (Actually the diet thing happened also) Then your readers become past readers and your blog joins the other tens of thousand of blogs in that infernal holding pattern. For this I am sorry. I have missed juicy opportunities to point out public hilarity and political transgressions. I could have done the “I told you so” about Donald Rumsfeld or the “I told you so” about the Dems in the House (but I didn’t know they would take the Senate also). I could have blogged two thousand words alone about the look on the Presidents face when his party lost power. I could have joined the thousands of bloggers in chastising Kramer about his racist tirade (that would have been a good read I promise). I could have blogged about the Saadam death sentence being handed down, even though when the Iraqi government finally does hang him---holy…immortal…hell will break loose. It’s that whole puppet-government-hangs-beloved-dictator-in-home-country kinda-thing. I really do not want to turn this apology into a slobbering Jimmy Swagger-like event with tears and lots of snot. But I do feel that way because as a writer I let my own ego get in the way. “Maybe tomorrow I would say, maybe tomorrow.” But as you know tomorrow is never promised. So that’s why I got started back today.


~Vale~

Do Not Forget

After all the hype of the midterm elections has died down I am finally able to make my own statement about the butt whooping the Republicans took. I know that there is a lot of work to be done. I know that there is a general consensus amongst voters that the war in Iraq is of the utmost importance. But what I am not clear on is how the Democrats are going to resolve the Iraq nightmare issue. Nancy Pelosi was quoted as saying that in her first 100 hours during speakership she would “push for action implementing all 9/11 Commission recommendations on national security, raising the minimum wage to $7.25, eliminating corporate subsidies for oil companies, allowing the government to negotiate Medicare drug prices, imposing new restrictions on lobbyists, cutting interest rates on college loans and supporting embryonic stem-cell research.” However I don’t think one Democratic voter in America wanted to hear that first.

Before Donald Rumsfeld got booted, but after the election was over with, the general voting consensus was to end the bloodshed in Iraq. The country has spoken and it is agreed that enough is enough. Americans will eventually deal with all the liberal aspects of government that the Republicans did not cover. And they will deal with those juicy tax cuts for the rich. But really we would like to hear first from Madam Speaker is how the improvised explosive devices, sectarian violence and rising U.S combat casualties will be dealt with. I have searched and searched and don’t have one snippet of information on how this is to be achieved. I know that this comment is early, but it keeps the mental juices running so we won’t forget why we voted.



~Vale~

Fallen Preachers and The Price of Power

Reverend Ted Haggard, the president of a 30 million member association and spiritual leader of a 14,000 member New Life Church, admitted to purchasing methamphetamine because he was curious. He has denied allegations of homosexual activity with a gay man who gave him a massage(s)and he has done it again. However this blogger who is old enough to remember Jim and Tammy Faye Baker, Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Jones and David Koresh…is far from surprised. Here is the kicker, the longer we wait the more the Haggard story will unfold.

Spiritual advisers including Ted Haggard are men and women first. They are not endowed with the power to walk on water, throw lightning bolts or request the plagues of Moses. They will continue to have their faults. These imperfect individuals are not gatekeepers of my salvation, but the brunt of my jokes and if I ever do attend church I would request from my pastor a background check, a copy of his last drug screen and proof of residence. It's called trust but verify.

A British historian named Lord Acton said it best, “Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Mind you, not all of the spiritual leaders are corrupt. But in my opinion there are quite a few. I could start counting but I would reach my personal blog word limit before I stopped. And the debauchery is not new, because as a kid growing up in the Deep South, I remember over hearing that there were two people who you didn’t let in your house: Insurance Salesmen and Preachers, because one would steal your money and the other your money and your honey [that’s honey in the figurative term, not beekeepers honey for all you northerners.]

Personally I have my own religion I have detailed in an earlier blog. So I don’t even flinch when yet another fallen preacher has spent thousands on cocaine. Has a mistress. Has a gay lover. Or got caught drunk driving with his mistress and gay lover. I don’t pay tithes, so my hard earned money is not wasted on luxury automobiles or 3,000 dollar Ralph Lauren suits. All because the last time I checked, Jesus ran the money changers out of the temple, and somehow they crept back in.

Please give this post a thumbs up if you are a Stumbler

~Vale~

Pedal Oral Occlusion

Stricken by Pedal Oral Occlusion Syndrome are Senator Trent Lott’s (MS-R) “…we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years either” at Senator Strom Thurmond 100th birthday party, State Representative Rafael Arza (FL-R) drunken racial slurs on a voice mail of fellow republican and then Senator Kerry (MA-D) with his jab at President Bush during a rally for gubernatorial candidate Phil Angelides.

There are times that I wonder what goes on in politician’s mind. Somehow the ‘spur of the moment’ defense just won’t get it when it comes to a public faux pas. What was Kerry thinking when he took a jab at the President’s grades? Did he not get the memo that anything you say will be plucked apart like a chicken in a fox den? Didn’t he know that you don’t have to be a Rhoades Scholar to be president, but you can be surrounded by them? Holy cow! Now the Democrats are pulling back from him, as he is torn apart by conservatives who have spun his statement to mean out brave troops in Iraq. Personally I think he deserves to be ridiculed until he gets the point. DON’T SLING MUD, especially when you are not up for election. It looks particularly childish.


~Vale~

Holy Holidays Batman…!

I recently read one of my favorite blogger updates and was truly mystified. The school system in our community has reduced the number of parties to “maximize instruction time.” And to top that off they will have only two parties per year, one during the winter break and Valentines Day. By winter break party they mean Christmas!!! Not the holiday season, not the birthday of our Lord, not buy until you cry, but winter break. This has vexed me to no end.

You would think in a state where you cannot go ten miles with out passing a church; someone would have spoken up about this. I mean come on. I understand that you must first be tolerant of one another’s beliefs, before you can be truly tolerant of one another. But where do you draw the line? Do you sacrifice your beliefs for the sake of others? I understand people exist who equate Halloween with all things demonic…so what. And some people think Halloween is a supremely indulgent holiday…so what. A majority of those people don’t remember what fun is and what it is like to be a kid. You will never hear a group of kids’ say, “Hey lets cancel Halloween because our souls are at stake.” Or “Christmas has too many religious overtones, how about happy multicultural enjoyment period instead?” Only disgruntled adults say that.

There is joy in watching a child hunt for an Easter egg that the Easter Bunny left. There is joy in watching a child rip open presents after “Santa Claus” worked overtime, went to the Wal-Mart at the “North Pole”, spent all night putting gifts together, wrapping them with Dollar store wrapping paper and barely keeping his or her eyes during 4:00am wake up call to see the presents they left. And there is joy in baking cupcakes, telling ghost stories, bobbing for apples and watching the precious years of a child fly by in delight. These events create a life time of memories . If you don’t like it…tough, let the kids have fun now because there is plenty of time for them to frown later. Oh yeah, and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

~Vale~

Southerners

Living and working in the south I come across all walks of life. There are things that just tickle the death out of me and there are things that just get my goat. For instance the two clichés that you just read were uniquely southern. As a southern born man I use them in my daily life, but as a writer those clichés creep in like kudzu on speed. I constantly find my self having to edit and re-edit so I don’t confuse my readers. But somehow I don’t edit enough, but that is another story.

Having traveled the world I have found that once you are raised in one of the southern territories you belong to a haloed club of sorts. Let me explain. You are driving down at night and see yellow pair of eyes on the side of the road; would you know what they were? When you are in a restaurant do you ask for “Sweet Tea” or “Iced Tea”? What do you eat with purple hulled peas? How many horns are on a cow? Auburn or Alabama? Are you getting my point? I don’t care where I have gone on this planet a simple, “WARRRRRRR EAGLEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!” has found me friends even if they were lowly Alabama fans[ I couldn’t resist].

I laugh out loud at anyone who complains about grits and the fact that they are gritty. It automatically tells me they are not from the south. I take a personal offence if someone insults a biscuit or turns their noses up at milk gravy. These two items have fed many a poor southerner for years. They don’t have to eat them, but they sure as heck ought to respect them. After all Southerners never joke about a Yankee Pot Roast or a slice of pizza, honestly who just buys one slice of pizza. I frown when people complain about the heat or the mosquitoes and it just bites my butt when they talk about the humidity. And last but not least, we might not know the name of our roads but if you know your left from your right we can get you there. Ya’ll take care…ya hear!


~Vale~

November 7th

Midterm elections are [as of this entry] thirteen days away and political analysis all over the United States will be eagerly watching closely contested Senate and House races. As usual there will be much fanfare and delight as cameras switch from camp to camp trying to catch the essence of this wondrous election. When the results are in and there is clearly a winner, there will be enough backslapping to make me want to throw up all over my television and DVD player.

In the winning camp there will be: falling balloons, confetti, music, expensive catering and lots and lots of glad handing. In the loosing camp there will be: balloons, confetti, music, expensive catering and lots and lots of glad handing. Each respective candidate will rinse the mud out of his or her hair and throw only accolades to the winner or loser. I have seen this show before.

On November 8th however there will be improvised explosive devices and insurgent sniper teams on the road to Baghdad, the threat of a second if not third nuclear test by Kim Jong-il [that’s the dictator with the weapons of mass destruction], gas attendants that will climb that ladder once again to change the price of gas and hung over winners and losers from both sides of the midterm election.

This election is supposed to change the color of the House from red to blue and quite possibility even the Senate. But nothing actually changes, it only changes hands. That means Democrats will quite possibly be in charge and will now take the blame for things going on in our country. I can see it now. There will be a whole new set of scandals [I can’t wait]; the quagmire called “Operation Iraqi Freedom” will still be…a quagmire. There will be squabbling and in fighting as each new Representative and Senator tries to make a name for him or herself, and gas will still be as high as a giraffe’s rectum. Oh joy.


~Vale~

Investing Too Much

I honestly hate pugnacious pundits. Self styled experts who scream and grimace as if their gesticulations alone, will hammer home their educated opinions as fact. Blessing us with enlightenment because they think we are trapped in varied states of non compos mentis. These “Super Gurus” cajole or congratulate the current Bush administration on its successes or failures, laughing haughtily at the inane possibility that Bush could be wrong or even right. It really depends on who is being interviewed at the time. These cantankerous critics sparkle on camera. They are clean shaven, well dressed, make-up laden, finished off with blindingly white smiles. Their faces are animated and they look particularly unstressed. Not really the kind of people I want the truth from.

The most accurate opinion given without experiencing hardship is from talking to the people “living the condition.” If you want to know the state of affairs in New Orleans, don’t listen to Mayor Nagin or the self promotional professor who has written a single book on the failed levees of the Big Easy. Pick up the phone and call one of the shelters and talk to someone there. But not to be bias, drive down(because some places still don’t have phone service a year later) and find some one who is fighting alligators, water moccasins, nervous rabbits hiding from alligators and West Nile tainted mosquitoes, trying to repair their home after a year with zero assistance (remembering assistance isn’t always monetary!)

If you truly want to know about the condition of things in Iraq or Afghanistan, ask a Soldier, Sailor, Airmen or Marine. Or even join the armed forces (I have a friend who did just that at 32!) I once stood in line at a grocery store and watched a combat veteran disassemble a patriotic wannabe in 30 seconds flat without blinking an eye. Part of the conversation went like this,
“So how were things over there?”
“Hot and dangerous” the veteran’s words were sharp and quick. “Well, if I was there," The fat wannabe held up his arms to simulate firing a rifle. "I’d have my mini-14 with my Bushnell scope taking out rag heads like POW!”
The veteran smiled and asked, “What color are their uniforms?” This drew a confused stare from the wannabe, “I don’t know…” he replied.
“So you would be shooting at everyone…right?” At that moment the veteran was physically standing in the grocery store but mentally on the street in the Anbar Province. The wannabe left hurriedly.

Then again there are people that know the truth but can’t tell you: the President, all the President’s cabinet members, and people in the middle of all current events. They really know “The skinny,” but they just can’t tell the general public because some of you… and you know who you are CAN’T TAKE IT! I honestly keep waiting for that Presidential press conference where the Commander-in-Chief steps out from behind the podium, unloosens his tie, takes a deep breath and starts his sentence like this, “Ok you bitches here’s the truth…” You can see it on his face, he wants to say something to every critic, blogger and self styled expert who has had their share of finger pointing. But he can’t. He mutters the phrase, “Stay the course” quietly thinking assuredly “Because we have no choice.”



~Vale~

The World Has Gone Crazy

I am a self confirmed news junkie. And have been since September 11th 2001. I wake and sleep to CNN, FOX or MSNBC and when I am in an adventurous mood Link TV (because I can only be insulted in six different languages every now and then). As my idiot box flickers I realize the world has gone crazy. There have been at least two entire families slaughtered over the course of a month, 10 Amish girls wounded and murdered in a wooden one room school, a boyfriend in Louisiana dismembered his girlfriend and hid her parts around the apartment…then jumped to his own death, 71 of our citizen soldiers who were children, wives, husbands and friends have been killed in battle so far in the month of October and Kim Jong-il tested a nuclear weapon right in our faces… and we haven’t stomped him flat.

On top of that the GOP is now the Grumpy Odd Party with fall outs from the Foley scandal, the Ashcroft scandal, the Hastert not telling on Foley scandal, the Karl Rove I-had-nothing-to-do-with-it scandal, the “Your-wife-is-a-CIA-operative” scandal, the Tom Delay-I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I scandal, and my favorite scandal the-we-were-right-in-removing-Saddam-scandal and we still can’t find those pesky weapons of mass destruction (Because they are in NORTH KOREA!).

Lastly there are freakish weather anomalies that range from the east coast pummeled by heavy wet weather (in places), deep snow in October in Buffalo, and ice caps the size of Texas that have broken off because of GLOBAL WARMING. There were earthquakes in the Gulf of Mexico, around Hawaii, under Pakistan. There have been droughts, pestilence, disease, famine and war. And all I could think is grab a helmet. Because the terror alert is stuck on Chicken Little yellow and the sky is really falling. But no one is really listening.


~Vale~

Marlin, Jim and Steve

As a child my religion was Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom on Sunday evenings.Wild Kingdom Clip The show consisted of Marlin Perkins narrating what his trusty sidekick Jim would do next. Marlin reminded me of a skinny Colonel Sanders without the goatee, and I often wondered if they were twins. I imagined Marlin being the good twin who rescued and nursed sick animals back to health. And the Colonel being the evil twin, who fried then served them up in a tasty concoction of eleven herbs and spices. I lay mesmerized in front of our color television and watched as Jim would wrestle huge jungle snakes, tranquilize water buffalos, and run from snapping alligators. My young mind would wonder off into some steamy jungle, as Jim and I tracked down an elusive five legged snake or dive off the coast of Bimini looking for the cow who thinks she's a dolphin. I would snap back to reality only when my mother would yell, “You are too close to the television, slide back!” To this day I cannot see an ad for Mutual of Omaha and not think of the courageous Jim Fowler and the scardy cat Marlin Perkins.
Recently Steve Irwin was killed while swimming with a stingray. Doing what he loved to do. And I couldn’t help but feel a personal loss. Steve Irwin and Jim Fowler shared almost the same sense of curiosity and danger. Honestly however, I think Steve was braver (Sorry Jim). I would watch Steve tempt a twelve foot crocodile with a raw chicken and when the croc jumped towards the bait I would flinch. (How’s that for a big bad Paramedic Man) Often thinking he is going to lose his entire arm one day. Occasionally my youngest daughter and I would sit and watch Animal Planet,The Crochunter
where Steve would jump, swim and run (in the same khaki shorts and shirt mind you) chasing whatever animal he wanted to show the camera. My daughter would hide her face behind a pillow if she thought he was going to be bitten. I would laugh and tell her when it was all over. “Dad,” she would say breathlessly, “he’s crazy!” like she had been running along side him the entire time.
Then she would look at me and ask, “Would you do that?” and without hesitation, and with vibrant enthusiasm I would answer, “Why yes of course!” The cynical twist of her mouth said it all. She knew better. She knew her daddy would be mangled by the 15 foot crocodile in the first 2 minutes of the show. Or be drowned, and then swallowed by the 39 foot python. Her 10 year old mind knew Steve was fast and slender, and her daddy was built like a tasty biscuit---with feet. But alas, in my mind I could really do it. Just give me that Wild Kingdom music and I would make Steve proud. Crikey! We are all going to miss you Steve.


~Vale~

The City of Eastchase, Montgomery Mall and a Whole Bunch of Zombies

Driving down the Southern boulevard I can’t help but notice how traffic ebbs and flows like a motorized ocean. Shortly before 7:00am the boulevard is as empty as a scene from your favorite Post-Apocalyptic movie. However at 7:01am and 22 seconds a traffic nightmare erupts from thin air. The hustle and bustle is obscene with each car rushing to their destination of choice. But the kicker is each one of those vehicles represents a potential customer for the giant empty mall they pass. So the question is: How do you get just 1-2 percent of those potential customers to stop at the Montgomery Mall? And secondly how do you get just 25 percent of that 1-2 percent to purchase something when they get there? I am sure these questions are being asked daily by the marketing staff of Gilmcher Realty Trust. Gilmcher Realty Trust Site After all they own the mall.

As a business owner and having 15 years of management experience I am sure of one thing. It won’t be long before those glass doors shut for good. I don’t mean to be the harbinger of doom. But when you lose a majority of your profitable tenants to the City of EastchaseTheir Website, you either have to reinvent yourself or sell your property at a tremendous loss. Personally, I don’t patronize the mall. Solely because it reminds me of the scene in Dawn of the Dead where the stores are closed and the zombies run free. But I digress. Actually there is nothing, and I do mean absolutely nothing in that mall that I couldn’t get from Walmart. And that’s the problem. The mall is supposed to be a specialty-spend-your-money kind of place. Somehow it has lost its ambiance, right along with its anchor tenants.

With the loss of anchor tenants comes the loss of another customer base, namely those who shop around the mall at the strip malls. If you happen to live in Montgomery, Alabama you can see this for yourself. Since a retail exodus is killing the mall I think that escaping stores should be given tax breaks and utility subsidies, a commercial bribe of sorts, to stay. Of course, this is easier said than done. Currently there is a small carnival posted outside the malls walls, and it honestly looks pitiful, real pitiful. If Gilmcher Realty does not do something to reignite an interest in its property, the wonder that used to be the Montgomery Mall will close its doors…for good. And we all know what that means. Crime will sky rocket, because economic decline and crime are intrinsically meshed together and eventually it will become too dangerous to even stop for IHOP or even the traffic lights. Let alone live in that area.

~Vale~

Death of the Boogey Man

This man is not my enemy. I do not know him. I have never met him. But I can relate to him deep, deep within the very essence my parental existence. His name is Jonathon Edington aged 29. He is the father of a 2 year old. You see. This man is a murderer by definition. He became one by slipping quietly through his sleeping neighbor’s window. In his hand was a sharp knife. In his heart was anger. Like a Ninja he crept slowly and methodically until he stood over his quarry. And with a flick of his wrist, he stabbed. He stabbed. He stabbed. And his neighbor was no more. This quiet previously law abiding lawyer delivered a blow for his daughter no court system could ever deliver. Then climbed out of the window and went home.

The real question is what would you the reader do? Would you let the law handle it? Or would you confront the person who did it? Or would you the reader have the testicular fortitude to do what Jonathon did? The thought of something happening like that to my children makes me shudder. I know there would be a cell waiting on me at Kilby Correctional or Atmore. And honestly I don’t care. Because a message needs to be sent loud and clear that when you molest people’s children you suffer a fate reserved solely for rabid dogs. Thus saving the tax payer a lot of money and lowering pedophilia crimes by the straight fear of being Jonathonized.

When I saw the news on CNN I stood up and cheered. Because too often the guiltiest of offenders hire the best attorneys, and then manipulate the legal system until they are either freed or their sentences are reduced. Jonathon Edington skirted this issue. There will be no appeals. No DNA evidence. No child psychiatrist probing a 2 year olds mind. There’ll be no “Breaking News” alerts on the Edington trial. The only thing that will happen is that the knife he will use will be collected into evidence. There will be articles written extensively on why Jonathon did what he did. But the truth of the matter is…the boogey man is dead and will never awake. That is what daddies do. Kill the boogey man. And Jonathon did it like a pro.



~VALE~

Raise Your Lighters High

~Vale~

Running Towards a 10K

At 37 years of age I am contemplating running Atlanta's 10k, on July 4 2007. Not that I couldn’t finish that darn race. But I would probably be somewhere in the back, next to the leper runners, but well before the runners who just got out of their hospital beds. This 10 k will be run in the Southern July heat. Imagine 6 miles of humidity, Atlanta concrete, asphalt hills, convection oven sky scraper windows and copious amounts of sweat to your nether regions. The thought alone furrows my brow.

See, I used to be an overweight two-pack-a-day smoker, and when I quit (thanks Zyban) I gained close to 50 MORE pounds. My battle to remove the flab has been loud and bodacious at times and soft and whimpering at others. I have gone through a myriad of weight loss options. Some have worked, some have not. In all honestly you cannot sit on your buttocks and lose weight. There is no pill, cream, lotion or powder that will do it. You have to get moving. So my choice was running, because walking does absolutely nothing. Part of my motivation belongs to the Barnhills Buffet next to my gym and all the portly people in their tight clothes headed to feast, which made me run even FASTER and the majority of my motivation has been my children.

In the beginning the only change I could see was swollen ankles and that my Motrin consumption had increased. Then the results started. My pants became looser, my stamina increased and my girl friend…well let’s just say enjoyed the change. I began to consume every tip and technique for running beginners. After trial and many, many errors, I finally settled on a fairly simple regime of hydration, nutrition and stretching. I also found out that if you run you do not have to diet, believe it or not.

A simple formula helped me and it goes like this: take your weight, divide it by 2.2 then multiply the result by 33 formula here.This will tell you how many calories you need to maintain your current weight. Just reduce your calorie requirement by 20 percent (regular soda to water, chicken strips but fat free ranch dressing) and POW weight loss. Add this with running…more weight loss.

But my true problem is my run time. I run at least three times a week varying the distance of my run. But the time remains the same (one hour). I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never run as fast as a 98 pound Kenyan, because I am neither Kenyan or secondly will never be 98 pounds. So that means I have no chance in a fat mans hell of crossing the finish line first…unless it is on an ambulance. But I would like to finish. That to be would be the ultimate in my fitness success, from ex-smoker to 10k runner. Sounds like a book deal. Wish me luck!


~Vale~