Monday, March 31, 2008

Five Ways to Avoid a Horrible Death

If you think this is a blog about immortality you are completely crazy because there is a 1:1 chance that you are going to die. This blog is a Paramedic’s take on how not to get killed or extend your chances of surviving to a ripe old age…so you can die peacefully there.

1. Perform a Risk Assessment.

In the EMS industry we have known for years that people are stupid. This sheer stupidity is how we keep our jobs. If it wasn’t for the weekend mechanic that looses all the fingers on their right hand because of a little thing called a fan or scalds the skin off of their chest because of pressurized superheated radiator fluid, all EMT’s would be working at Wendy’s. Knowing what you limitations are reduces the chances you would be swatted unmercifully by the same limitations.

2. Guns will kill you too.

I love the NRA guys. They understand the term, “Population Control.” This does not mean that gun owners all across this nation will weed out the bad guys. This means that some gun owners will weed themselves out. If you own a firearm that you have never fired and keep in a locked compartment most likely this weapon is more of a threat to you than the criminal it’s supposed to stop. Learn you weapon or die by it.

3. Assume nothing about anyone

I love this one. Not all Black men are thugs, not all Mexicans are members of MS-13 and not all White guys are Serial killers. I have worked in high crime areas and low crime areas and the one thing that I have learned that Serial Killers are sometimes Black, White guys can be thugs and Mexicans can be Police officers. Type casting based on a stereotype will get you killed really quickly.

4. Ghetto is a place not a mentality.

The word Ghetto is Italian word meant to describe the concentration of Jewish people within an area. It has since become a word to describe a concentration of ethnic people. This means that a gated community of WASP could be a WASP Ghetto. Placing the Ghetto tag on a neighborhood causes preconceived ideas to form thus increasing your likelihood of offending the wrong person.

5. Don’t wear a pork chop around your neck.

News flash, predators know exactly what their prey looks like. The key however is not to look tasty. Plot your course, don’t stop in strange areas, survey the parking area before you exit any store and put the damn cell phone down.


Friday, March 28, 2008

Free Online Word Game

This game is from the good folks at Free World Group. I have played plenty of their games and this word game has to be on of the best. The object of this game is to find all the words in the puzzle before time runs out. It is waaaaay harder than it looks. Have fun.


Thursday, March 27, 2008

Top Five Political Scandals for... March

I think I have become comfortably numb political scandals. It used to be that any scandal would have rocked the very foundation of the politician’s family and career. Not now. They are no longer called out in public by their fellow constituents, they are not brought before committees and made to tell their side of the story and some of them even keep their jobs. It is my belief that fellow politicians do not go on the record with the condemnable evil-finger-o-doom because they too have a menagerie of transvestite skeletons smoking crack and gambling in their own closets. Nothing politicians could do at this point could shock or even shame me. Politicians have lied; they always do, cheat, they have before and will never stop, and requested gay sex in an airport bathroom by a tap on an undercover officer’s foot. Wow. I have, however, broken political scandals into three different categories…warm, hot and hellish. So here are the top 5 political scandals for the month of March.

1. Former Governor Elliot “Client9” Spitzer---Warm

The reason I gave him a warm rating is because he completely scared the living s*it out of the people on Wall Street and most white collar criminals residing in the State of New York. This Princeton and Harvard grad wrestled control from the Gambino family control over the garment district and sued Richard Grasso because of a 140 million dollars severance package. Spitzer wore a brightly colored moral cloak but took it off for an expensive hooker. BUT I am thankful it was not a male hooker.

2. Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick---Hot

The youngest mayor of Detroit has been indicted on 8 felony counts of perjury, obstruction of justice and misconduct. These charges stem from lying under oath about his sexual relationship with his Chief of Staff. He lied about the affair and when the text messages surfaced he refused to resign like a decent person. However upon reading his bio, I feel he is more gangsta than mayor. I mean come on, dead strippers, wild parties at the Mayor’s mansion and use of the N-word to shame those who are calling him out. Sad, sad, sad.

3. Governor David Paterson…Hot

The current governor of New York is legally blind, he’s African American and he has done cocaine. Now the reason I listed him is because he admitted to an affair during a rocky part of his marriage and drug usage. I know he did this to prevent the media from tearing him a new one about his personal life. However under normal circumstances if he had disclosed that information while lieutenant-governor, Elliot Spitzer would have requested David’s resignation.

4. Senator Hillary Clinton…Hot

Senator Clinton lied about landing in Bosnia under sniper fire when the video clearly shows her exiting the plane peacefully and walking across the tarmac. Videos do not lie. I have personally survived sniper fire and will never ever ever forget the feeling of helplessness and anger as Marines crawled for their lives. I am not amused Senator, I am not amused.

5. Mayoral Candidate and Sex Offender James Brian Sliter…Hellish

Okay, here is the set up. James Brian Sliter is captured trying to lure a 15 year old girl to have sex from the internet. The cops bust him but he is never convicted because he is sentenced to probation for 10 years. As long as he completes his probation he will not be convicted but he still has to register as a sex offender. This character wants to run for the office of mayor.What? I mean what in the hell is going on. I have seen it all now. But hopefully he won’t get elected.


Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Genius Awareness Test

Count the passes for the team in white. I know it sounds stupid...but believe me you won't see everything. Just try it.


Saturday, March 22, 2008

This is Not the Devil

…it is a mask of Perchta a sort of strange looking Germanic Santa Claus who during the 12 days between Christmas and the Epiphany would bring a gift for the good little boys and girls only if they had worked hard all year…however if they were lazy they got their bellies slit, their entrails taken out and to be replaced with straw and rocks…yikes. She is the protector of the animals…I still can’t get past the whole slit-your-belly-and straw thing. This Goddess, yes its female, had a following in the early 1400’s but this blog entry is not for Perchten. This blog entry is to call attention to the Pagan, which means country, rural or rustic, traditions that have influenced our culture in every holiday. How else could the death and resurrection of Christ be associated with an oversized rabbit that leaves eggs and baskets for the children? Wow, I just got weirded out by the freaky Perchta-thingy.


Friday, March 21, 2008

Red Garland-Soul Junction

This song reminds me of smoke filled bars,bitter whiskey and the clash of billiard balls. Of a time where men could sit and lament without the need for gunfire, of a time where women understood what it took to make a house a home and children played outside. But those days are gone and all that is is left is this beautiful music by Red Garland. Happy Friday.


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Ten Easy Ways to Survive this Recession

Businesses survive by passing on the cost of doing business to you the consumer. This surcharge causes the price of goods and services to creep higher and higher causing the consummate consumer to pay a kingly ransom aka(the *Little Debbie Effect, explanation below). Remember our paychecks don't offset for the added fuel surcharge. So here are ten easy ways to survive this recession.

1. Eat before you go

If you are paying 3.20-plus per gallon of gas and head to the market you are paying a fuel surcharge on your food also. Something has to be cut, let’s see…McDonald's, Burger King, and Starbucks. Even though these foods are simple, fast and easy they are budget killers. Eat breakfast and take a lunch with you.

2. Plan your trips

Knowing the round-trip distance will allow you to calculate fuel usage. Set aside a fuel budget and when the price of fuel exceeds your budget. Call co-workers and offer to drive them to work for a fee. Extra riders mean spreading the fuel cost around and quiet possibly a profit in your pocket.

3. Cheap Entertainment

Going out to watch a movie is so passé, especially when you can have a Netflix membership for less than 10 dollars a month. A family can save hundreds of dollars just by renting movies this way. Remember no gas to the rental store, no late fees, and you can have DVD parties charging 1 dollar to watch a movie with free popcorn. The membership will pay for itself. Oh, you can have someone bring the beer and liquor if that suits your fancy. Ah hem, you can also find the latest movies online free. But I didn’t tell you that.

4. Cut communication expenses

In this day of the electronic leash it is not if you have a leash but how many. If you have a cell phone, a home phone, and internet then some decisions need to be made. Traditional reasoning states, “You should have a home phone.” Non-traditional reasoning states, “You already own a cell phone.” Cutting one should be an easy task. Ok…kill the home phone you really don’t need it and besides if you have a calling circle or a fave five then you will save even more money. Or just say Magic Jack.

5. Ignore the Judas Goats

Judas Goats are goats used to lead sheep to the slaughter without being slaughtered themselves. If you watch enough television you will see market analyst balk at the idea of a recession but just think there aren’t any poor market analyst on television. Meanwhile back at the ranch you are struggling to eat, pay your mortgage and drive your car. Protect yourself at all times. Ignore these idiots and come up with a solid solution to solve your own financial problems.

6. Basic Cable

Who needs 150 channels? A cheaper package means lesser quality channels, however you can always upgrade if your economic status changes or football season starts. This means a whole new setup. If the cable company is charging for a DVR then send it back. Pssst…you can find most episodes of any television show online. Just know you read that here first.

7. Kill EFT's

Deep in the recesses of your bank account there are probably a few monthly electronic withdrawals you have forgotten about. Check and eliminate the ones you do not use. This means scrutinizing your bank account with the blood lust of a divorce attorney. Nothing is sacred, any EFT that is not necessary need to be removed like a malignant tumor.

8. Use pencil and paper

Keeping tract of your purchases will recession proof your life. Too many times we are caught up in the electronic doo-dads that are supposed to do it for us. However handwritten notes do not crash, have corrupted files, or become infected with the latest virus. Write down your purchases on a daily basis and track your spending. Believe me you will be startled to learn you have been sipping on that 5 dollar latte, or eating out at 12 dollars per meal every day.

9. Shop around

Brand loyalty is great, but cheapest is better. Think about it. There is no difference between the job of a Lamborghini and a Ford Festiva. They both carry people and people’s stuff around. That’s it. Surprised? Oh, you can go faster in one, you can look like a billion bucks in one. But simply put. They are both forms of t-r-a-n-s-p-o-r-t-a-t-i-o-n. So supplement 30-50 percent of your purchases with off brand items and save.

10. Take Care of Yourself

Being sick or injured is costly as hell. You loose time at work and the cost of a doctor’s visit can break your pockets…even with health insurance. And if you are thinking those 4 dollar prescriptions a Wally-world will save you…think again. Exercise, relax and limit your intake of alcohol and tobacco. Get plenty of rest and laugh as much a possible. There is nothing worse that being sick and broke at the same time.

*Little Debbie Effect

Little Debbie is a snack cake that is popular down south. They have been the cheapest source of a sugar rush on the market but when the gas crunch started Little Debbie became a way, for me, to tell gas prices were throwing things out of whack. First sign was that the snacks no longer fit the packages but were the same price. Then the snacks went up in price while occupying the larger package. Now the cakes are too expensive to be a just a sugar rush.


Friday, March 14, 2008

What Do You Say?

Alright, I was sent these photos of a healthy African-American male who somehow ended up as a transsexual African-American male. I don’t know who he is or what site these came from but as a Dad of three sons I cringe at these photos. I mean, really, where was his/her Dad through out his whole transformation? And even if he didn’t have a positive male influence what about his Mother. Someone had to say…HEY, you are a BOY or when the little boy started getting hair extensions, nail extensions and wearing female clothes…where was the common sense…but I digress. Personally, I would have asked Client 9 for a direct referral and paid those 4300 hundred dollars come hell or high water.


Thursday, March 13, 2008

Is it a Recession Yet?

Surely, somewhere hidden deep in the bowels of some unmentioned financial institution some economist is whispering the word recession. Well, lets see, a recession is described as negative growth in the GDP or (Gross Domestic Product) for at least two years. I won’t go into economics 101 but I will say with the worse job loss in the last five years, a dollar that has lost its muster and eggs that are high as hell…says yes, we are in a dreaded recession. However if you listen to conservative talk radio, something I love to do because those idiots make no sense what so ever and I get a chuckle, we are in a slighteconomic downturn. But if you are a productive member of society, liberal or conscious conservative, you know that your paycheck is not going very far. Gas is taking a bite out of your wallet, food prices are soaring, I personally paid 30 dollars for 3 bags of groceries last night, and even the peso is rising against the American dollar. Now the question is how McCain or Obama will address this problem before they head into this November’s election. I know Al Qaeda is trying to kill us. I know the war on terrorism is important. I understand we must stand firm as a nation. BUT, I want to know how in the hell am I suppose to be a productive citizen if I cannot afford to drive my car or buy groceries. But pssst, if you tune in to The Apocalypse Papers next week then you will see how to manage a micro-economy (that would be your budget)…and still save money. Trust me, I am already doing it.


Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Can You Smell What Barak Is Cooking?

I Googled the name Barak and what returned stunned me. Barak is an ancient name, the word for lightning in Hebrew, the name of a commander of the army of Deborah. It is a quite fitting name for someone who has taken America by storm with his vision of change. But I guess my question would be…what will he be changing? As a fence riding Moderate with Republican tendencies I shun anyone or anything that perpetuates slothfulness in our community. I deplore taxes, I adore profit, I hate big government and I adore efficiency. Even as Republican as the previous sentence sounds I don’t particularly give in to the Republican point of view with unabashed conviction.
I watch and am amazed as some dyed-in-the-wool Republicans surrounding me are supporting Clinton because they know Senator McCain cannot beat Senator Obama. Even the strategy posed by Mr. Mega-Dittos himself is to vote for Hillary so there would be a chance for the GOP to take the helm for another 4 years. I see this as a completely viable strategy that might have worked if Senator Obama was notcovered in Teflon. I watch and am amazed as some Republicans are completely floored that other Republicans call Senator McCain a Conservative. And I watch and am amazed that some Republicans would even choose Senator Obama over McCain. This discombobulation on the behalf of the Grand Ole Party leads me to believe they don’t have a credible plan or a frontrunner capable of winning another 4 years.
But I am a creature of question and answer and each of my waking days is an adventure as the Clinton campaign tries to take the Obama campaign down a notch only to be rebuked. I really would like to know how Senator Obama is going to strengthen the Dollar and what does he propose to do about the Iraqi War conundrum? I want to know how he intends on solving the problems of healthcare premiums rising beyond the reach of the middle class. Gas prices, Lord yes, Gas prices, that too! I want to know how his foreign policy will put the fear of Jesus in Al Qaeda without putting boots on the ground. I want to be caught in the Obama rapture. I want to believe but I am a pencil to paper kinda guy. Show me. However Rome was not built in a day, so it will take him getting into office before each of those questions could be addressed. So stay tuned.