Monday, February 26, 2007

Sex Toys and Elvis

Sex toys are banned in Alabama. I read this article about a sex toy ban and thought of the movement to ban Elvis and Rock-N-Roll. There was a movement across the south to ban Elvis’s music because of his sound, his look, and his obscene gyrations. There were political essays, sermons and newspaper articles about his music. Elvis was going to corrupt the youth of the south and cause the morality infrastructure to collapse. Citizen councils took up arms to protect the fragile minds and even more fragile souls of decent southern youths everywhere. Well you know the rest of the story. Elvis went on to be a mega star that died on a toilet. But the aim to apply morality where the application isn’t needed has succeeded.

I cannot think of a time where I read or heard of a person being assaulted with a 12 inch dildo. Imagine this; a dastardly criminal folds himself into a dark corner and BAM! He sex toys his victim! OH the horror, OH the humanity! What has befallen the poor victim? Whatever should they do? The police arrive and ask “what color was the vibrating egg o’ doom and could you pick it out of a line up?” Suddenly there are midnight vigils with candles, soft hymns and prayers that the sex toy abuse would stop so we may all live in peace. This ban by far has to be the most idiotic thing I have ever heard of, when there are other things the Attorney Generals Office could have fought to stop. I want my tax dollars back! I want my tax dollars back NOW!

Go into any convenience store in Alabama and look on the counter in front of the cashier. You should see one of three items: jet-flame styled lighters, flavored cigars and roses in glass tubes. To the untrained eye they are mundane quick stop clutter. But to a professional eye they are: crack or meth lighters, marijuana “blunt” makers and crack pipes. Because these items blend so well into the store they go unnoticed. These items should be banned from Alabama. Now if the Attorney Generals Office wanted a crusade they should have picked drug paraphernalia. I would’ve totally agreed with that move. Because drug addicts often rob, steal and kill.

Sex toys are private items that should be readily available to Alabama residents that have reached the age of majority. I have been in an Adult store and there is no greased pole directly to Hades in there. Trust me. There are men and women shopping who giggle and blush like teenagers. They are responsible, loving adults. Not the seedy, salivating, sex fiends they are portrayed to be. They do not wear trench coats (at least not in the store) and large fedoras. They have jobs, attend church and a majority of them have no criminal record. According to the State of Alabama they aren’t responsible enough to enjoy whatever it is they enjoy behind closed doors. So I guess it is back to the “special” parties. Where wives and girlfriends gathered and “looked” at certain items. But wait, even that is illegal. The sale of a sex toy in Alabama after all is said and done, will garner a prison sentence. So along with sending Georgia’s children to college with Alabama citizens buying Georgia lottery tickets, we can also spend money in Georgia adult stores.


Saturday, February 24, 2007

What's In A Name?

Somewhere in a freakish orbit travels an asteroid named Apophis. We are supposed to be able to see it by 2029 and in 2036 we might get a chance to meet Apophis up close and personal. Because this 1000 foot wide metal object may or may not slam into our precious blue planet. But as usual, Astronomers around the world are a little iffy on if impact will even occur. That is provided that the giant space rock does or doesn’t do gravitational wiggle, a sort of cosmic head fake. You can read the article yourself here. But my question is…who names these things?

I am sure Pretty Princess Power Rock would not be the most appropriate name for something that could destroy a city, or create a tsunami that could destroy a city. But then again, Bob is not an appropriate name either. I would like to meet the guy or gal who named this asteroid as ask, “Were the rest of the names taken?” What would be the harm in naming the metal rock BOOM, or how about Power Shot? Apophis, the evil black snake of Egyptian antiquity, a demon, the true personification of darkness and chaos is a little over the top. Geesh, someone has a flair for the melodramatic.

Speaking of names, here is a list of the 2007 Atlantic Hurricane Names. Now here is a list that should have a strong psychological impact. I believe the name of the hurricane should change according to the intensity and its ability to do damage. Take for example if there ever is a Hurricane Barry (heaven forbid) and it becomes a Category 5 (also heaven forbid) then the name should change to Hurricane BONE STRIPPER. Can’t you just see it now the Weather Channel reporting that Bone Stripper is taking a turn to the right? I feel this name would put the fear of Jesus in those who don’t want to evacuate. But if Barry barely makes it to Category 1 then the name should be changed to Hurricane Cutie Pie. (Don’t worry the power will be on in a couple of hours.) I know you may be laughing at this blog entry but I just happen to believe in having the appropriate name. Just like a 6’6” cage fighter, who has arms like steel cables and built like a tank. Only his name is Sue Ann. He isn’t funny but his name sure is.


Tuesday, February 20, 2007


This is so funny I can't stop laughing!!


Monday, February 19, 2007

AIDS Vaccine

HIV itself is not lethal. The opportunistic infections from the lack of an autoimmune system are what kill. It is like fighting a fire in the nude. If you have ever seen someone die from AIDS you know that it is a long, miserable, painful illness that ends with severe dementia then death. In my opinion this is the most terrible way to die. Dying at the hands of AIDS is so graphic that if they just showed a little of the process on television. There would be a lot less infections. As a Paramedic I have come into contact with my fair share of HIV positive patients and believe me they are everywhere. But what interests me is the fact that Merck & Co is doing trials with a possible AIDS vaccine on Dominican Republic prostitutes as well as 3,000 other people in eight different countries.

Being a health care provider I know that HIV exists in many, many different versions. It is not just one virus. It is a collage of mutated viruses that have different strains all over the world. This is why the disease itself is so hard to combat. In my opinion it would be easier to eradicate coca plants than it would to kill off HIV. This is what makes this vaccine trial so interesting. If this trial succeeds I would love to be a shareholder in the company that is making the vaccine. But if it flops and turns those brave harlots into itchy zombies I guess its back to the drawing board.


Thursday, February 15, 2007

Enough Already

The American media has failed me. There are life changing events happening around the world right now. These events will surely be in the history books later. Some of them are: Iran is funding and supplying Iraqi insurgents(just like we helped Saddam during the Iran/Iraq war), Kim Jong-il has decided to play nice and is sealing his nuclear reactor in lieu of a million tons of fuel oil, our congress is giving our Commander-in-Chief pure unadulterated hell about his new ambitions of possibly attacking Iran and troop surges, there are snowstorms of biblical proportions in upstate New York, recent discoveries of massive fresh water lakes underneath the Artic ice that if melted it would raise sea levels by 23 feet and the debate over oil, oil and more oil. But do you know what is getting the most press? Try Anna Nicole Smith, and honestly I have had enough.

I don’t understand the chaos surrounding her death. I won’t try to understand the chaos either. On February 9th I found my self staring at the news in shock that her death caused a media speed bump. At that moment I realized I would limit my viewing of CNN, MSNBC, and FOX opting for BBC News, Link Television and National Public Radio. There is something to be said about multi-billion dollar news organizations giving, “Breaking News” reports about an ex-stripper turned model who dies in a Hard Rock Hotel and THEN shows not one but THREE potential fathers to her daughter. The entire world has to be laughing at us right now.

There will come a day in the future (far in the future I hope) where one of my grandchildren will open his or her history book and point to a topic with a question. At that very moment I pray I will have an intelligent answer. I pray that at that moment my memory isn’t racked with holes left by Alzheimer’s and I start spouting some facts about a buxom blonde and her “Baby daddies,” and that ranting will get me thrust into some evil nursing home. I don’t want to live out my days with my brain filled with useless facts about plastic people who have contributed absolutely nothing to society. I don’t want my precious time on earth filled with moments about Brittany Spears missing underwear, Grammy winners whose acceptance speeches last forever or the new “Lost” episode. I have had enough already.


Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Global Warming

I am a dyed in the wool thinker. Sometimes when no one is watching I mimic Rodin’s famous bronze statue, my hand pushed under my hairy chin, knee propped high, brow furrowed and naked as a blue-jay. I sit and ponder about the things thinkers ponder about, but in jest I digress. I feel like I am a poor bit player in a cheap apocalyptic movie, there is constant banter from scientist that global warming is real, and the angry voices of descent from earth polluting energy companies with poor lil ole me stuck in the middle. I know how this movie ends, I have seen it before.

The earth will not be destroyed by global warming, but our ability to survive and then prosper on the planet will be. Climatologist, meteorologist, and geologist all over the world have all come to one centralized conclusion…global warming is a now event, not a future event, and that we are experiencing rapid climate change. (A meteorite might have killed a vast majority of the dinosaurs, but the rapid climate change afterwards delivered the one, two knock out.) Now what do we do with this information? Do we wait until there are 36 Katrina sized storms flooding as far inland as
Birmingham, Alabama, do we wait until there is six feet of snow covering the beaches of Panama City, Florida or do we wait until an intergalactic rescue armada shows up to evacuate us from our own mess? (I honestly don’t know if I would get in a spaceship I think I would take my chances with the new beach in Ozark, Alabama.) But assuredly it appears we are waiting on Deus ex machina, when the answer is clear.

When we were attacked on September 11th our government grounded all planes. The attack prompted an action, and if you think about it we are under attack by gas guzzling SUV’s, coal burning power plants, and cow burps as well as anything else that is causing our planet to dump eight feet of snow on upstate New York . Does global warming warrant drastic measures? I would think so. If cities the size of
Houston and Los Angeles outlawed cars opting instead for mass transit and electric powered vehicles? Those cities would become almost smog free over night. Most assuredly people would adjust after much cussing and fussing.( as well as lose weight) But they will adjust. After that problem is solved we could get down to business on the ever present threat of wayward meteoroids and malignant sun spots.