Saturday, June 24, 2006

Network Television Fines For My Eye Molestation

I hereby list my fees to the major networks for subjecting me to the most STUPID commercials and television shows known to man (at least this man).
I hereby charge the following amounts:

1. 100.00 dollars anytime some commercial mentions the words “But wait there’s more.”
2. 100.00 dollars anytime some commercial starts with “Have you ever wondered…”

3. 200.00 dollars for every time I am subjected to an info-mercial during waking hours. That fine shall be 25.00 dollars after 10:00pm, 2.00 dollars during my 2:00am pre-breakfast snack and .50 cents before my morning bowl visit but before Good Morning America.

4. 500.00 dollars for subjecting me to any movie preview that totally rocks but the movie is only released in select theaters. That fine will be reduced to 2.00 dollars if by the time I see the feature it is outstanding. But 10,000 dollars if the movie sucks like a three dollar---well you know.

5. 2000.00 dollars for any AXE Commercial. Period. Questionable hook-ups are best left alone. Memories of dressing up like a ninja turtle and being spanked should remain behind that dark door, that dark, dark door. Damn you AXE Body wash.

6. 5000.00 dollars for any commercial that makes me hum the tune all day. Zoom…Zoom…Zoom (stop singing).

7. 5000.00 dollars for any television show that contains the words “Reality” or “House” in the title. Somehow watching people live there lives really makes me yell out loud uncontrollably. It is called a NEIGHBORHOOD look it up.

8. 10000.00 dollars for any television show that couples the words, “Funny” with “Videos”. Laughter is the best medicine, but some of us are NOT SICK. Come on, how about this show title “Calamity, Chaos and Canker sores” where stupid people get their just rewards.

9. 10000.00 dollars for any diet commercial. One because they show an absolute fat ass frowning in the first photo and the skinner shapeless version smiling in the second photo. And second because three commercials ago the same channel showed the new KFC bowl o’ slop. And I hate contradictions.

10. 1 million dollars for any news channel interrupts regular scheduled programming but has absolutely NO news to report, i.e., a prisoner break, but they don’t know the name, the city, the color of the car, his originating charge. I really hate that. Those breaking news alerts scare the living daylights out of me. I keep waiting to hear of a zombie outbreak or something right in my back yard but nooooooo it is only a lost {insert mundane item here}. Stupid breaking news reports.


Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Sanctity of Marriage

As a realist and a truth seeker I feel as though there should be a smidgen of clarity on the sanctity of marriage.
The truth should be told that there is nothing holy about marriage. (If you are clapping you are probably divorced.) Marriage is an antiquated legal agreement originally intended for a man and a woman based on the theory that love alone will keep them together for their proverbial life time. This love based bond is the basis for propagating the human species as well as the basis for community. So that means family is the basis of a community and community the basis of government. Now somewhere between the Civil Rights struggle and the Clinton administration, someone came up with the idea of wanting a legally binding agreement between people of the same sex. A close personal friend of mine and a staunch fence riding atheist once said, “Who says two men cannot love each other and have a committed relationship?” I honestly agree with that. No one can stop emotions or relationships; however I adamantly disagree with that lifestyle. But my opinions are my own. A lot of people including government officials set their marriage beliefs in scripture. However if we remove scripture (because any person with an ounce of intelligence knows vile acts have been done because of scripture) from the picture you are left with nature. And nature is the enemy of irrational thought. So someone please tell me what is natural about two men or women copulating with each other and what about this fact alone is the basis for marriage.


Monday, June 05, 2006

Alabama SB283 "Castle Doctrine"

On June 1st Governor Riley signed into law Senate Bill 283 or the Alabama version of a “Castle Doctrine”. I actually heard about this bill on National Public Radio on my morning drive to work. This bill is a victory for the National Rifle Association and the Alabama Association of Funeral Homes. But for the average hard working Alabamian it means it is time to go get a pistol. Not because of the sudden ability to shot an aggressor who is trying to kill you. But because that aggressor who normally would hesitate from killing an unarmed person knows his life is now cheaper than the bullet in your gun. I honestly don’t care about this law. Some how the proponents of this measure think having the ability to protect their “castle” with the newest armament makes them less fat, more observant, stronger and have cat like reflexes lets say, from those nefarious characters who rob people for a living by climbing into windows, kicking open doors and outrunning the police on foot. As an Emergency Worker (there is that dreaded name again) dead bodies are not really a concern of mine. Maimed ones are. And I think a lot of maimed bodies will come from this. But let’s just wait and see. What really is a concern of mine is Hurricane season. A season that happened to have stared on the same day this silly law took effect.