Saturday, January 06, 2007

I Wonder Who...

Said that relationships are easy? There is such a thing as being incompatible and I wonder why some couples don’t get it? As a writer I consider myself an excellent listener because stories are found in conversation with other people. It is when I am listening to someone complaining about their relationship I throw out the proverbial question, “Didn’t ask enough questions in the courtship huh?” That one question has caused a few raised eyebrows in several conversations I have had with forlorn lovers. They always seem to be totally oblivious to asking enough questions during the “interview stage”. So I created…

Alex’s Pre-Relationship Checklist

These questions should be asked up front.

10. Are you married? ASK THIS FIRST and if they say no follow them home to make sure. You really don’t want an angry spouse tracking you down…do you?

9. Are you bitter? Oh boy! Bitter people (more often than not those who are divorced) take their anger out on the most genuine and innocent of potential mates. Thus creating another bitter person, this cycle never ends believe me.

8. Are you needy? If you are not a nurturer then needy people are not for you. It is as simple as that.

7. Are you insane? Crazy people sometimes sneak into sane relationships thus causing a relatively sane person to need Zoloft, Prozac and Jim Beam.

6. Are you Jealous? This question is more serious than a police roadblock. Jealous people do not trust you and will kill you. Don’t believe me? Pick up a newspaper and look in the crime section.

5. Are you compulsive? Or in other words, “Are you a stalker?” Yes this question is extremely relevant. What if you had OJ for a mate? Refer to line two of question number 6.

4. Do you have warrants for your arrest? Imagine sitting in an Applebee’s eating blooming onions and sipping on sweet tea, then suddenly you are thrown to the floor along with your date and handcuffed. It is called guilt by association…look it up.

3. Can you provide? This is a uni-sexed question. This can mean, “Can you cook?” or “Can you support a potential family?” This question is often missed and becomes a real problem in the, “Headed to the altar” phase of a relationship. IF your mate can’t hold a job with a bucket, or if they have a tendency to burn ice cubes, then some real arrangements need to be made in the beginning.

2. Do you like children? If you have children make this question number one.

Sometimes people are attached with children and this understanding needs to be established in the pre-relationship checklist. IF neither one of you have children still ask the question because birth control sometimes fails.

1. Are you good in bed? I know this question sounds shallow and it really is, however it is a supreme deal killer. A relationship is as much physical as it is emotional. I couldn’t tell you how many times the phrase; “They are such a wonderful, loving person with admirable qualities…” has been uttered, by people who are severely missing something in the bedroom.

Just look at this list, if you are laughing then you can probably relate. If you are not laughing you are either lonely, or crazy. I think this list might just help that dejected boyfriend or girlfriend avoid another relationship failure.


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