Bribing My Muse

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Once you develop your writer’s voice you will always have it, at least that is what I believe. But having a writer’s voice is not enough to make it in the industry you’ll need a profound and an almost perverse sense of creativity to be distinguished from the literary status quo. Just imagine if Spider Man was just another person bitten by a spider. No sticky finger pads, spider sense, or a cool blue and red uniform, nothing, nada, zilch, just a regular ole guy with a spider bite. Add a muse to the aforementioned spider bite, she in turn adds a dose of freaky radiation and a weak protagonist, and ba-da-bing a million, no, billion dollar idea. However, my muse, Calliope absolutely refuses to work unless I pay the Community Coffee and Splenda God or spend an hour on the elliptical at level 15. This Diva, wonderful woman of epic poetry, needs an attitude check.

But…

I bribe her anyway.

As my pants get larger and it is hard to see small type because my eyes are vibrating from the caffeine overdose.

I bribe her

Because I feel there is a movie deal, a yacht and a couple of near misses with insane paparazzi at the end of edit number 7.

I bribe her

But I do it begrudgingly because I would like to do my take on the author’s pose of sitting on a park bench, legs crosses, staring reflectively across rolling hills and wondrous vistas.

Damn it.


Watch this space.

~Vale~

On Writing a Book

There are literally thousands upon thousands of websites that offer advice on writing a book but there isn’t onewebsite that will write that book for you. Let me back up, there are plenty of people that will ghostwrite for you, including yours truly, but it wouldn’t be you writing that book. Nether the less, I decided to flip my literary skills into the paper ring and join the growing pool of those-who-have-a-book-in-Barnes and Noble and see exactly where my creative skills will carry me. Would my book find its way to the top of a pile of dirty books in the free bin at the local animal shelter? Would it succeed to the point of a million-dollar advance, a diamond-crusted Pulitzer dangling around my neck and a geeky paper sign that reads, “He’s the Man?” Or would my success leak out in the middle a literary limbo right next to those one hit wonders and authors who just don’t know when to give up. Well, I won’t find out, neither will you, until I pen the words, “The End.” Just follow along you’ll be amazed.

Watch this space.




~Vale~

Kung Fu Clowns

Sometimes you just have to laugh to shake the morning cobwebs off and this is that time. Kung Fu clowns is completely funny.





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Super Mario Brothers

Save the Princess, yada, yada, yada.

~Vale~

Spider Eating a Bird

This spider is actually eating this bird. I have never in my entire life seen something this creepy. I mean really...where do these mutant things come from? Oh, yes...I remember...they come from AUSTRALIA! Click the title for the link to the actual article.



~Vale~

Say NO to Bow Hunting...

and get you one of these!

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Protect Your Child Online

This sort of advertising drives home the message of online safety. Now I wish it would just catch on with Amber Alerts and Halloween safety.




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Compare The Presidental Candidates

I couldn't resist. Sometimes people need analogies to get a clear message.




I found this photo here


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Terry Tate Office Linebacker

This YouTube video is funny as h*ll. If you arent laughing by the end of this short you need a break and some Prozac.





~Vale~

Health Insurance Coupon

As you read this blog entry the American economy is faltering like a drunken fat man on a freshly mopped floor, banks are collapsing , fingers are being pointed in Congress as to who is at fault for not allowing 700 Billion (place your pinky in the corner of your mouth like Dr. Evil) dollars of Tax Payersyours and mine our money to be injected into Wall Street as stocks bounce up an down according to the very speculation of a bailout or not. Hell, I forgot all about the price of oil. I am truly miffed pissed off because there are American citizens who don’t see the ramifications of a bailout. But that is not what I am blogging about today. Today is, the Health Insurance Coupon and why I think Health Care is going to tank like our economy.

I am no economist. No sir. I am average Joe Shmo Tax-Paying Citizen. I understand the principal of economics, supply, demand, profit, loss, credit, lending, blah, blah, blah. But what I do understand with extreme certainty is health care, simply because I have been in health care for over 21 years. But it wasn’t until today, this morning to be exact, I saw an AARP commercial that made me stop ironing and take note. I couldn’t find the commercial on YouTube but it was a man who said he had an insurance coupon that gave him discounts for health care but didn’t actually cover anything. He got critically ill, went bankrupt and pretty much lost everything. I felt his pain. The same happened to me.

I drove in to work, with that commercial heavy in my mind, this morning and realized in 21 years I have had over 20 co-workers and employees that have suffered financial ruin after a serious on the job injury. Oh, sure, Workman’s Comp you say? Well let’s visit that idea. Workman’s comp only pays a percentage of your base pay and if you are living on your overtime. You are in big trouble. Don’t live on your overtime, you say? Give me a raise or shut the f*ck up, I say. Back on topic, if you are injured at home, however, you have to pay your health insurance premiums if you are out of work. Try mustering 400.00 or more per month so you can be seen in your doctor’s office as your other monthly bills pile higher than a sparrow’s eye. Can you believe there are people who don’t care one bit about that worker who is in trouble?

Currently, crack heads the chemically dependent can get help faster than a positive contributor to our community. Why is that? Why it is that someone who has worked their entire life and amassed a fortune has a Medicare card? Why is it that a hospital will see a patient over and over and over again and again and again because this patient is a hypochondriac and the same hospital bills over and over again? Simply put, if the return-visit-patient is defrauding the hospital with multiple visits isn’t the hospital doing the same thing if they bill the insurance company? Why doesn’t health insurance pay for a gym membership? Why is it that an appendectomy in one hospital is a different price at another? Aren’t they the same? Also, if an appendectomy cost four thousand dollars less in another country, why aren’t insurance companies sending patients there for treatment.


Lastly if drugs are cheaper in Mexico and Canada why we aren’t outsourcing prescription drugs for our elderly and the poor…we outsource everything else. I believe these types of questions will lower the price and increase competitiveness in health care. I believe serious eye opening questions need to be asked and grown-up decisions made instead of having to pay 80 percent of cost because you are out of a coverage network or having to pay 100 percent of a treatment because it is experimental…even if it saves your life. If something isn’t done soon hospitals will start closing and people will resort to the green alcohol and mercurochrome.

~Vale~

That's Not an EMERGENCY!!!

Swollen hemorrhoids are not an emergency. Oh, yes it feel like someone has shoved a glowing Kingsford briquette into your rectum and is making things worse by cooling increasing the heat with green rubbing alcohol, but you wont die from it. I guarantee it. But somehow people believe ambulance crews have to risk life and limb for minor ailments, just like that hemorrhoid, because that’s what ambulances do. I disagree. I think we could save a lot of time and money if we set some ground rules for emergencies and non-emergencies. Oh, people will be pissed off, but hey it is better to be pissed off than pissed on I say.

Pssst,

You are going to learn the difference between an emergency and a nonemergency.

Emergency: Loss of finger, toe, eye, leg, arm or any appendage you use daily.

Non-Emergency: Loss of pain medication, car keys, TV remote, or any other stupid item that I might hit a large deer trying to get to your house in a rush over.

Emergency: Gunshot wound to torso, head, neck, back or stomach. Notice I said torso.

Non-Emergency: Splinter to finger, butt cheek, leg, and face. Seriously!


Emergency: Respiratory Distress of any kind

Non-Emergency: Hiccups that wont stop. HELL NO under any circumstances is this an emergency. Neither is hyperventilation because your favorite dancer got voted off.

Emergency: Comas of any kind.

Non-Emergency: Slurred speech, staggered gait, equipped with boobie flashes and the nonsensical ramblings of a mother whose done shots of Jägermeister at her daughters wedding.

Emergency: Chilbirths were the legs are coming out first.

Non-Emergency: Condoms, vibrating eggs, or sex toys of any kind stuck inside of the patient. Nope can’t won’t stick my hand up there, aint having it.


And for those who think they have a right to call the ambulance on a whim. You have the right to go directly to the waiting room on a stretcher so you can wait with the other patients except you now have the added interest of an ambulance bill. Yay, for you!

Last but not least.

Emergency: Transport of patients from one hospital to the next because life sustaining surgery waits.

Non-Emergency: Sending a patient out for a simple test, especially in the middle of the mother of all thunderstorms, which could have waited until three days later. WTF, Seriously!

~Vale~

Word Game

Here is a word game. I hope you enjoy.

Free World Group

~Vale~

Super Collider Web Cam

Here is a link I am sure you will enjoy.


Click

HERE

Mind of a Realist

Sometimes I believe that people stew in their own stupidity on purpose. I believe that some people jam their heads in the soft sand because thinking hurts too much. Case in point, this Presidential Election has turned from McCain versus Obama to Palin versus Obama, because McCain doesn’t stand a rats chance in hell against Obama. And until Palin brings 200,000 Germans out to see her I will not be impressed.

The country holds its breath as Hurricane Ike decides what Gulf Coast community to destroy thus scattering refugees through the Southeast and rocketing gas prices above 120.00 per barrel.

Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae were not immune to the Bush economy but their CEO’s are as they bask in millions of dollars of severance pay.

I wonder,


If we could do September 11th all over again would we invade Iraq or would we be stomping the mountains of Afghanistan flat?

I wonder,

If gas is hovering around 100.00 per barrel why is gas still 3.51 at the gas pumps?


I know why because the Department of Interior in Denver was practically an Animal House as Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll kept government employees busy as the oil companies had free reign.

The God Particle is being sought by researchers 300 feet below the ground as the Particle Accelerator is switched on. But if you asked a 6 year old to find the same particle they would have just reached down and handed you a fist full of dirt.

Hooray for 6 year olds!

If Christ came back today do you think he would be pleased with any of his followers? Or do you think the Smite would be on?


Water Bears are the toughest species on the planet and the vessel by which we will keep our DNA alive after we kill our selves off with war and Global Warming.


Rick and Bubba tout the belief that Global Warming is real. But I guess when you are radio personalities you automatically become Geo-thermal experts. Whats next Rick and Bubba, earthquakes aren’t real, tsunamis aren’t real and wishing for death because your legs and arms are blown off from an IED isn’t real also.

~Vale~

Bee Dance Video

There comes a time when words cannot express the feeling of hopelessness and despair at the disappearance of millions Billions of Honey-Bees. I will let this videos do the expressing for me.




~Vale~

Friday's Rant

I am a realist. A stone cold, matter-of-fact, realist that knows if the US runs out of oil the obesity problem in our country will be solved. A realist so plaintively aware, that I know that there is not a chance in hell the US would fight Iran, prevent Russia from stomping through its own territory or find a cure for anything. So why are we subjected to constant lies by the media.


Wait.


They think we are mentally-retarded lambs. Ah-HA! I get it.


They think we are too stupid to think for ourselves, yeah whatever.



Also, there has been this awww moment where an illegal alien in a coma and the hospital wants to send him home…because he can’t pay his bills. So what are they going to do with the rest of the patients receiving indigent care? Exactly what they are doing to this guy and believe it or not, hospitals have been doing just that for loooong time.


That leads me to say that cash is the best health insurance.


Yep, now you know the secret of health care, stone, hard, C…A…S…H.


Pakistan’s Pervez Musharraf resigns before he is impeached. And I am wondering if we will ever find Osama. Because Musharraf most likely knew where he was and OH, he held the keys to the Pakistan’s nuclear arsenal. Now, Pakistan slowly descends into madness.



The world holds its breath.



As President Obama picks his Vice-President not that the VP really matters but there is really nothing else on TV.



Besides the Olympics but who wants to watch old news when the medal results are on the net.


That leads me to this.



Why is there this incessant belly-aching because China has a 13 year old girl competing in gymnastics? Really, we are talking about China here. The Communist country that still has forced labor re-education camps, internet censorship, executions of political prisoners and makes toys covered in lead paint? Or are we talking about the China that has the best General Tso’s chicken imaginable and has created one awesome aquatic center. Either way it goes make a deal with the devil and get the smell of sulfur in your clothes. That’s what I say.


Lastly,


There has been an up-tick in insurgent violence in Afghanistan.


Roadside bombs are killing more and more American soldiers everyday and the Taliban has become more aggressive. What are we to do? I hate the words, “We are winning,” because it looks like a rotten stalemate from over here.

~Vale~

College Humor's:POWER THIRST 2

As the Senior Writer of The Apocalypse Papers I happen to love a good laugh. This video I have embedded is called Power Thirst 2 and it has MENERGY! Watch the video and tell me if you get a good laugh by submitting your comment below.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

~Vale~

Five Websites of the Day

Counter Spin: I heard about this website on NPR. Counter Spin is the truth as it should be all packed into a website. If you are brainwashed by your party affiliation you will receive debriefing here.


U.S. Gas Prices: This is an interactive site. Nuff Said.


HD Wallpapers: Beautiful wallpapers for your LCD screens. There is a myriad of folders with great pictures that will make your laptop the talk of the town.


Friv: A cornucopia of flash games to waste time on. I love this site. Some of these games are mouse only and some are keyboard only. Just click and click until you find one you like.


Scam: If you ever wanted to find out if that home based business was a scam. Click this site. There are forums that coverer everything from MLM to Nigerian Email Scams.




~Vale~

A Lot Has Changed

As a kid growing up in the Black Belt, I watched as grown-up touted the vile, Godless nature of Communism and its controlling nature on its populace. Well, not in those words but you get the picture. I sat watching Michael Phelps swim like Flipper taking gold after gold in a Communist country that still executes its people with a bullet behind the left ear and makes the family pay for it. And I thought to myself, boy a lot has changed.

It is not that change is bad. But I believe that change is a relative event. Meaning it only applies to the current mood of the people. I think 10 years ago Ellen could not wed her girlfriend and Obama would not have had a chance in hell of becoming the Democratic nominee. Now you have city governments that are legislating fashion and a high school for gay and transgendered students. Late at night if you listen real close you can hear the dead doing summersaults in their graves. My eyes have seen a lot. And I intend to see a lot more. But where is the line drawn in the sand?

I am not espousing that I have a moral high ground, nay. I am saying where do you draw the line in the sand? Personally my line is drawn when people are allowed to marry animals. Yep, that is my line. As Americans we have broken so many social taboos I had to find one last social taboo bastion that is untouched by human hands. And the day someone is allowed to marry Fluffy or Fido, I will be the first on a picket line.

~Vale~

Do You Remember...

...the Pinto?

How would you like to have this rolling crematorium today? I know I would. But only after I did some rear gas tank modifications and removing out the eight track player. At 25 miles per gallon it is almost worth it. However I said, "almost." Buy one here.

~Vale~