Tuesday, September 23, 2008

That's Not an EMERGENCY!!!

Swollen hemorrhoids are not an emergency. Oh, yes it feel like someone has shoved a glowing Kingsford briquette into your rectum and is making things worse by cooling increasing the heat with green rubbing alcohol, but you wont die from it. I guarantee it. But somehow people believe ambulance crews have to risk life and limb for minor ailments, just like that hemorrhoid, because that’s what ambulances do. I disagree. I think we could save a lot of time and money if we set some ground rules for emergencies and non-emergencies. Oh, people will be pissed off, but hey it is better to be pissed off than pissed on I say.


You are going to learn the difference between an emergency and a nonemergency.

Emergency: Loss of finger, toe, eye, leg, arm or any appendage you use daily.

Non-Emergency: Loss of pain medication, car keys, TV remote, or any other stupid item that I might hit a large deer trying to get to your house in a rush over.

Emergency: Gunshot wound to torso, head, neck, back or stomach. Notice I said torso.

Non-Emergency: Splinter to finger, butt cheek, leg, and face. Seriously!

Emergency: Respiratory Distress of any kind

Non-Emergency: Hiccups that wont stop. HELL NO under any circumstances is this an emergency. Neither is hyperventilation because your favorite dancer got voted off.

Emergency: Comas of any kind.

Non-Emergency: Slurred speech, staggered gait, equipped with boobie flashes and the nonsensical ramblings of a mother whose done shots of J├Ągermeister at her daughters wedding.

Emergency: Chilbirths were the legs are coming out first.

Non-Emergency: Condoms, vibrating eggs, or sex toys of any kind stuck inside of the patient. Nope can’t won’t stick my hand up there, aint having it.

And for those who think they have a right to call the ambulance on a whim. You have the right to go directly to the waiting room on a stretcher so you can wait with the other patients except you now have the added interest of an ambulance bill. Yay, for you!

Last but not least.

Emergency: Transport of patients from one hospital to the next because life sustaining surgery waits.

Non-Emergency: Sending a patient out for a simple test, especially in the middle of the mother of all thunderstorms, which could have waited until three days later. WTF, Seriously!



Walt Trachim said...

I couldn't have listed these any more completely, Alex.

Thank you, my friend.

AlexD said...

I am glad you enjoyed it Walt.