Tuesday, January 06, 2009

If I could have…

…one superpower it would be able to telekinetically induce explosive diarrhea to those in my mental range and through the television to those on the other side. And boy would that power be grand. Some guys want flight, steel bending biceps, x-ray vision, not me. I want something that strikes the fear in all of us…losing bowel control without warning. This could would be a very effective weapon, like the power of drinking liquefied rotten chicken and Ipecac mixed times 100; I wouldn’t charge people anything for me to use it either (for those that knew).

Drug dealers on your corner….whirl, whirl, whirl, cha, cha, cha, splat!

They would clear out in a moments notice. Every time they returned wouldn’t you know, the shitty sagging pants hath returned.

Some reporter on CNN bucking for the next primetime spot and you know they are just eye candy…whirl, whirl, whirl, cha, cha, cha, splat! CNN would have to clear the studio from the smell alone.

And my favorite getting pulled over by an overzealous police officer, whirl, whirl, whirl, cha, cha, cha, splat!! No ticket. As they tip-toe back to their cruiser butt cheeks clenched tight to reduce leakage.

I would be a sort of colon cleansing Robin Hood; someone takes your investment and fumbles the portfolio like Madoff…whirl, whirl, whirl, cha, cha, cha, splat! Until 50 billion dollars magically returns or he loses 51 pounds, whichever comes first. Someone wont give you a refund not a problem, where and how much? And I would take care of the rest. Oh, if only.


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