Thursday, February 14, 2008

Valentine's Day...SUCKS!

If I could go back in time I would summarily ruin the good name of all three St. Valentines so this infernal holiday would not exist. Let me tell you why. Valentine’s Day, as I understand it, is a day for lovers, romantics and couples. However this blogger is a consummate skeptic believing that Valentines Day is a philogynistic holiday bent on the destruction of men everywhere. Really now, flowers, candy, teddy bears and heart-shaped {insert item here}, are not meant for men. Where is our holiday? I get so tired of participating in a multi-billion dollar retail holiday only to receive a .99 cent card and a peck on the cheek. What in the hell?
Valentine’s Day is a holiday where pounds of chocolate are consumed by the blushing recipient only to reappear as cottage cheese on their thighs a week later. Guess who gets the blame? Oh no, it is not the chocolate vacuum cleaner, it is the purchaser of the vile, butt-spreading, candy. When the roses start to rot and the house smells like an old mortuary, guess who gets screamed at for not disposing of a hundred dollars worth of dead flowers. When the Mylar balloons become a source of squeaky helium voices or just hangs languidly from the ceiling, guess who has to throw yet another sign of their affection in the trash. And don’t make me mention the emotional “I love you because…” cards that disappear into that dark recess of a closet or trash.
Personally I feel that next year will be different for me. I will not scramble and wait in line. There will be no ordering flowers. There will be only a card that I made and a flower that I will pluck from the earliest of blooms and these should mean more than all the chocolate in the world. However if they don’t I guess I will be back in line. But I wont like it.


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