Thursday, March 27, 2008

Top Five Political Scandals for... March

I think I have become comfortably numb political scandals. It used to be that any scandal would have rocked the very foundation of the politician’s family and career. Not now. They are no longer called out in public by their fellow constituents, they are not brought before committees and made to tell their side of the story and some of them even keep their jobs. It is my belief that fellow politicians do not go on the record with the condemnable evil-finger-o-doom because they too have a menagerie of transvestite skeletons smoking crack and gambling in their own closets. Nothing politicians could do at this point could shock or even shame me. Politicians have lied; they always do, cheat, they have before and will never stop, and requested gay sex in an airport bathroom by a tap on an undercover officer’s foot. Wow. I have, however, broken political scandals into three different categories…warm, hot and hellish. So here are the top 5 political scandals for the month of March.

1. Former Governor Elliot “Client9” Spitzer---Warm

The reason I gave him a warm rating is because he completely scared the living s*it out of the people on Wall Street and most white collar criminals residing in the State of New York. This Princeton and Harvard grad wrestled control from the Gambino family control over the garment district and sued Richard Grasso because of a 140 million dollars severance package. Spitzer wore a brightly colored moral cloak but took it off for an expensive hooker. BUT I am thankful it was not a male hooker.

2. Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick---Hot

The youngest mayor of Detroit has been indicted on 8 felony counts of perjury, obstruction of justice and misconduct. These charges stem from lying under oath about his sexual relationship with his Chief of Staff. He lied about the affair and when the text messages surfaced he refused to resign like a decent person. However upon reading his bio, I feel he is more gangsta than mayor. I mean come on, dead strippers, wild parties at the Mayor’s mansion and use of the N-word to shame those who are calling him out. Sad, sad, sad.

3. Governor David Paterson…Hot

The current governor of New York is legally blind, he’s African American and he has done cocaine. Now the reason I listed him is because he admitted to an affair during a rocky part of his marriage and drug usage. I know he did this to prevent the media from tearing him a new one about his personal life. However under normal circumstances if he had disclosed that information while lieutenant-governor, Elliot Spitzer would have requested David’s resignation.

4. Senator Hillary Clinton…Hot

Senator Clinton lied about landing in Bosnia under sniper fire when the video clearly shows her exiting the plane peacefully and walking across the tarmac. Videos do not lie. I have personally survived sniper fire and will never ever ever forget the feeling of helplessness and anger as Marines crawled for their lives. I am not amused Senator, I am not amused.

5. Mayoral Candidate and Sex Offender James Brian Sliter…Hellish

Okay, here is the set up. James Brian Sliter is captured trying to lure a 15 year old girl to have sex from the internet. The cops bust him but he is never convicted because he is sentenced to probation for 10 years. As long as he completes his probation he will not be convicted but he still has to register as a sex offender. This character wants to run for the office of mayor.What? I mean what in the hell is going on. I have seen it all now. But hopefully he won’t get elected.


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