Saturday, June 24, 2006

Network Television Fines For My Eye Molestation

I hereby list my fees to the major networks for subjecting me to the most STUPID commercials and television shows known to man (at least this man).
I hereby charge the following amounts:

1. 100.00 dollars anytime some commercial mentions the words “But wait there’s more.”
2. 100.00 dollars anytime some commercial starts with “Have you ever wondered…”

3. 200.00 dollars for every time I am subjected to an info-mercial during waking hours. That fine shall be 25.00 dollars after 10:00pm, 2.00 dollars during my 2:00am pre-breakfast snack and .50 cents before my morning bowl visit but before Good Morning America.

4. 500.00 dollars for subjecting me to any movie preview that totally rocks but the movie is only released in select theaters. That fine will be reduced to 2.00 dollars if by the time I see the feature it is outstanding. But 10,000 dollars if the movie sucks like a three dollar---well you know.

5. 2000.00 dollars for any AXE Commercial. Period. Questionable hook-ups are best left alone. Memories of dressing up like a ninja turtle and being spanked should remain behind that dark door, that dark, dark door. Damn you AXE Body wash.

6. 5000.00 dollars for any commercial that makes me hum the tune all day. Zoom…Zoom…Zoom (stop singing).

7. 5000.00 dollars for any television show that contains the words “Reality” or “House” in the title. Somehow watching people live there lives really makes me yell out loud uncontrollably. It is called a NEIGHBORHOOD look it up.

8. 10000.00 dollars for any television show that couples the words, “Funny” with “Videos”. Laughter is the best medicine, but some of us are NOT SICK. Come on, how about this show title “Calamity, Chaos and Canker sores” where stupid people get their just rewards.

9. 10000.00 dollars for any diet commercial. One because they show an absolute fat ass frowning in the first photo and the skinner shapeless version smiling in the second photo. And second because three commercials ago the same channel showed the new KFC bowl o’ slop. And I hate contradictions.

10. 1 million dollars for any news channel interrupts regular scheduled programming but has absolutely NO news to report, i.e., a prisoner break, but they don’t know the name, the city, the color of the car, his originating charge. I really hate that. Those breaking news alerts scare the living daylights out of me. I keep waiting to hear of a zombie outbreak or something right in my back yard but nooooooo it is only a lost {insert mundane item here}. Stupid breaking news reports.



Anonymous said...

second favorite blog to date.....


niCk (Mem Beth) said...

Yeah!. I watch very little TV, but what I see is so shallow and boring that it rarely gets my attention. I usually just channel surf for about 30 minutes, then turn the stupid thing off and get online.