Sunday morning for me consist of watching paid advertisements for the latest ab-destroyer-thingy and church programs that are nothing more than paid advertisements themselves. I sit and stare at the spiritual commercials in awe. Wondering how pastors, equipped with lapel microphones, studio equipment and sound guys, have the ability to keep a straight face. Believe! They cry. Repent! They admonish. They point their dramatic fingers in judgment towards their well dressed congregation and right into the TV audience. As the camera pans I can see sparkling jewelry and makeup laden faces. I see Brooks Brother’s suits, and silk ties. There are no hungry masses, the sick are not lying between the isles and the homeless are not listening intently in their tattered garb. I change the channel disgusted. Don’t get me wrong: I have a sense of faith. I believe in a greater Being than myself. However, the Christian battle cry, “What would Jesus Do?” has left me with a confirmed answer, because so much wrong has been done in his name, he would throw his name…away. So I have decided that the best spiritual path for me to take will be one of my own creations. So I hereby bring to you The United Repugnant Front of Ultra Conservative Libertarians Incorporated. Repugnology for short and as a Repugnologist there are tenets listed below that are essential to my faith:
1. Anyone found guilty of any heinous crime against spouses, family or children, will be smited with bags of cold quarters, until those bags stop jingling. Anyone who defended those found guilty will be smited with those non-jingling bags. And those who oppose the smiting process will be sent those bloody bags of quarters as a warning.
2. As a Repugnologist, you will not have preachers, reverends, bishops, deacons, pastors, priests, nuns, monks, friars, holy men or witch doctors. There will be one monthly surprise visit where we will ask you to recite one tenet. If you fail to repeat it word for word there will be ceremonial smiting of the closest adult person of non-relation with stray items of our choosing. Yay me.
3. Wood chuck, could, chuckwood, a if chuck, chuckwood, a could wood much how. Yay me.
4. As a Repugnologist you are hereby required to do one of the following: cut your neighbors grass, have a neighbor over for dinner, or just have a decent conversation about anything you and your neighbor decide to talk about on the 5th day of all prime numbered months. On the 11th day of all non-prime months you will find a homeless person and give them two meals. If you don’t know what a prime number is, find out. Yay me.
5. Be nice, play fair, respect others, remain tolerant, talk second, shoot first, don’t lie (unless it is about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Bigfoot and Santa Claus, it is the “joy in children’s life” kinda thing), know cultural boundaries and cross them only if armed. Yay me.
6. Love your family with emotion; hate your enemy with a passion, never offer the other cheek unless it is a butt cheek and then it shall be unwashed. Yay me.
7. Keep Tuesdays close to your heart by feeding one obviously starving person. Not the overweight homeless person. If you cannot find a hungry person, find a cold person and give them a coat or blanket, or a hot person and give them a cool beverage to drink.
8. The Omnipotent One shall be know as The ONE. Refer to it (even though we are chauvinistically predisposed to think he, it could be a she) as The ONE and know that The ONE invented the sense of humor. Know that The ONE has multiple aliases even though you might not know the ONE by The ONE’S entire list of aliases act like you do. After all, The ONE created the Universe and the single cell organisms that evolved into you.
9. Anyone found in disagreement of our spiritual organization will be “flipped off” with the middle finger of the left hand and summarily asked, “Where should I put this?” Yay me.
10. Don’t argue with evangelists, missionaries, or those who are saved, for they can induce a smiting upon themselves of repugnant proportion. Just take the pamphlet and say, “My horse is on fire,” leaving them wondering how a horse would catch fire. Yay me.
11. Reflection time is from to daily. During this time, reaffirm to your spouse, children or family members how much you love them. If they are not available, call them. If they are not there, write a note or send an email. IF you fail to do so, it will be considered a heinous crime, then refer to tenet 1. Yay me.
12. You must end all affirmations with Yay me. Yay me.
These tenets can be modified as the need arises or if The ONE decides to update these rules by email, handwritten letter or emblazoned into a mountain side.
As you can tell, Repugnology is straightforward and uncluttered by any of the traditional rules. There is no sanctuary; there are no tithes, or sweaty pseudo-prophets bouncing around on a carpet covered stage. No guilt by association, like the other guys. There is space for fellowship and the sanctum is located right under your feet. As you are finding out, Repugnology is just one of many ways to the great amusement park above. Not like the other guys who adamantly say their way is the only way, lest ye be burned by the shiny demon.